Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am in a confusing quandary as to how to proceed in planning our daughter’s wedding. What should have been the realization of our dream come true, that our first child is getting married and the plans long laid for a large and joyous wedding now seem to be in question because of the war in Eretz Yisrael. Everyone has different views as to how big or how small of a wedding is appropriate and that all of Judaism being in mourning over those murdered and abducted by the terrorists, dictates that all celebrations should be cut down to the bare minimum, while others feel that a simcha with all the bells and whistles would foster hope and faith in Hashem that He will send us the yeshua. To further complicate things no two rabbanim share the same paskanus on this issue. So what is the right path to take?
Our daughter is devastated that her dream of a ‘fairy tail wedding’ will be trimmed back so much as to be reminiscent of the ‘covid weddings’ with just a one-man band and a handful of guests in the backyard. She hasn’t stopped crying and we are all totally miserable, including the chosson and our future machatanim. Time is running out without any one of us able to formulate a decision about what to do, and I’m afraid the shidduch will suffer, or chas v’shalom, even worse.
Please give us some clarity on what to do, so that we can find a middle road that will not offend, yet make everyone involved happy. I’m sure you will know the right way to go about this so these two young people won’t feel cheated out of their once in a lifetime affair, and the guests will be able to be misamayach chosson v’kallah in a tasteful yet subdued way.
Dear Friend,
I have received quite a number of letters in the same vain as yours, posing the question of whether we are allowed to be joyful during such terrible times. Upon sending out feelers to people in the know, I have to agree with you that most of the authorities on this subject differ greatly in their opinion. Two of my rabbinic sources compared our matzav today as being a second Tisha B’Av, so being in mourning mode, we should not celebrate in any way that can elicit joy and merry-making. Another posek I often turn to and asked this question, I got this answer. He holds that because times are so dire and many people feel so defeated, they begin to lose faith and this is exactly the reason we should celebrate the goodness in life. The brachos that hopelessness and defeatism will destroy will weaken us and is the very reason we should celebrate the goodness and blessings when they are given to us. It is a confirmation of our absolute faith and trust in HaKadosh Baruch Hu and that our emunah shelaima is intact.
I lean toward a lovely wedding, not ostentatious or over the top, no bells and whistles, but certainly not on the covid level of austerity. Let your daughter have her day and lovely memories of her wedding along with the emunah that Hashem will give all His children reason to celebrate in the imminent future. Let there be happy noise and music to sooth the soul and may we celebrate all our simchos in Yerushalayim Hab’nuya! Mazel Tov!
