Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am very upset and quite confused as to what has recently happened to me and I sorely need your take on this matter because I know that there are others like myself out there. My problem entails etiquette regarding gifting when invited to a simcha, what is one expected to give as a gift upon being invited to the wedding when a gift was already given at the vort. It may well be my fault for the way things turned out in my case compounded by the fact that I am from another country and am not totally astute as to how things are done here that may be the cause of my dilemma.
Three years ago, we moved to the States from Argentina, where my husband is from, and moved into a nice Jewish community close to my own family. It’s taken my husband quite a while to fit into the American way of doing things and I seem to need a refresher course myself because of the new rules of etiquette and what is expected of those invited to a simcha in the gift-giving department and what an egregious error it is to attend without gift in hand. One of the major reasons we moved here is because my husband is seeking a job here, so financially we are not yet in a position to be magnanimous in the way we spend the little we have. OK, please let me start at the beginning.
As stated, we moved back three years ago and got reacquainted with my family. It felt lovely to see how the family accepted my husband and myself after being away for a number of years and losing track of the many changes in the family. We had been included in most of the events such as births, graduations and birthday/anniversary celebrations since our arrival and very much enjoyed being invited. We always gifted the celebrant according to age and the reason for the affair to which we were invited and all seemed to be in order. However, just last year, my first cousin with whom I had always been close, got engaged. She is the first child of my aunt, my mother’s sister, so everyone was so excited. There were a number of events before the wedding itself, first the actual proposal to which only immediate family attended, then the vort, which was an elaborate affair, a mini wedding and to which we brought a lovely gift for the new couple. I know that my cousin loved it because we spoke after the affair and she was thrilled with it.
The wedding, several months after was magnificent and opulent in every way and the hall itself was a palace decorated with roses and orchids everywhere. Food and drink was unending and overflowing on tables and fountains situated inside and in the gardens surrounding the hall. I was astounded at the lengths to which my aunt and uncle had gone to give their daughter such a fairytale wedding. To say that we had a fabulous time at the affair would be an understatement, I was genuinely happy for my cousin that she would have such wonderful memories of her special day and night. Some weeks passed after the wedding when I got a call from another close cousin and what she told me completely floored me. It seems that even though I had bought the couple a lovely gift to their engagement, I had insulted the family by not presenting a monetary gift at the wedding. I was completely dumbfounded and lamely tried to excuse myself saying I had no idea that this was expected. I could ill afford to give a substantial monetary gift to cover our presence at the wedding on top of the gift already given her.
No sooner had I hung up from this news than I got a slew of calls from my mother and other cousins saying how offended this aunt and uncle were that I had insulted them in this way. I couldn’t believe that so many people were told this about us when we never meant to offend in any way. My husband and I wrote out a check for an amount we could ill afford and sent it out with the excuse that we each thought that the other had given it to the bride and groom at the wedding and thanking them for allowing us to participate in this beautiful simcha. Please help us understand what is the obligation of one who is invited to an affair, what is acceptable and appropriate and whether we are responsible to send gifts even if we don’t attend.
Dear Friend,
What an interesting problem indeed, one that I will be happy to lend my own special viewpoint on. But first, allow me to assure you that you are not in the wrong… but maybe not 100% right either. There are a number of variances to this gift-giving mishigaz as well as the reasons or ulterior motives one may have for inviting attendees to their simchas. It gets a little murky in places of explanation but I’ll do my best to clear it up for you.
Rules for those who invite:
- Invite only those you hold near and dear to you.
- Do not expect your guest to cover your expenses.
- If you want to make a lavish affair above your means just so you can show up everyone else, forget your friends, shul buddies and all the average people who enrich your every day life and invite guys like Ilan Musk, Donald Trump, (well maybe not Trump) and any other billionaires you read about that have money to burn or need your vote.
- Make a lovely, tasteful balabatishe simcha that won’t break your bank book or anyone else’s and invite whomever you wish with an easy heart.
Rules for those invited:
- You are not obligated to gift above your means.
- Should you be unable to gift, no guilt, GO! You’ve been legally asked to attend.
- If you are embarrassed because you cannot gift as large as you like or feel is warranted, make up a good excuse and stay home.
The wisdom of the great Ms. Emily Post, the doyenne of gracious manners and etiquette who has long gone to her eternal rest can still be found in the books she published on the subject, otherwise there’s really no good source for undisputed behavior regarding how one must respond and act upon receiving an invitation to anything unless it is clearly stated on the invitation. That being the case, I suggest you relax, sit down and have a cup of coffee and forget the whole thing! I would have done that before that check was sent out because you didn’t have to send it, but there’s sure to be a next time! Just check with me when you get another invite and we’ll figure it out!
