Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I’ve been reading your column since it appeared in The Jewish Press, first as the Agunah Chronicles and onward, so you know I’m well into my golden years. You always gave such practical and logical advice with a touch of humor and made me feel as if you were actually speaking directly to me. Now I need your help. I raised three wonderful daughters on my own after my abusive marriage ended. My ex never gave me a get, so I never remarried. Life was extremely hard in those days, as you well know and without your column and the resources you supplied for the writers, I would never have made it to today. But today, I need your help in a different way.
My youngest daughter has four children, two girls and a set of fraternal twins, one girl and one boy. This daughter is the only one who lives closest to me (the other two live out of state) and I am involved in her life on a much more intimate level. The problem with her twins has become evident as these two children entered the pre-teen years. Suddenly, the rearing process, which had worked beautifully up until that point, came to a screeching halt. It seems that the girl became introverted and withdrawn and the boy became loud and belligerent and both became rebellious against my daughter and her husband about house rules and parental guidance in general. Where there was respect, love and family unity, these two have brought division and discord and turned the household into a war zone, where their parents are the mutual enemy of both. The one bright spot is that these kids come to me, separately, with their woes, seeking approval, validation and support for their individual woes. In my effort to be of help to both my grandchildren and my daughter and son-in-law, I have become persona non grata.
What can I do from where I am to help bring back peace, tranquility and cohesiveness to my daughter and her family. It breaks my heart to live so close yet feel like I’m floating off in the distance on some deserted island, seen but not heard, acknowledged as an intrusive influence by all? Please help me find a way to help them see that I mean well and want to see my family united and whole again.
Dear Friend,
Thank you for staying with me for all those years of hardship and change. I’m glad I was able to offer you comfort and solutions to your personal problems along the way without your writing in. Life changes but the obstacles keep coming, and sad to say, in many respects the problems have become more daunting and far worse to deal with. Humanity at large has morphed away from the belief in the Almighty and into the powerful trust in Alternative Intelligence and electronics that have no grasp of what it is we humans were created to accomplish on this earth. That, good friend, is the basis of your problem and where everything else that has to do with morality, decency, love, respect and trust in and fealty to a Higher Power has all but disappeared. That said, let’s return to the twins (grandson and granddaughter) who are the source of your concern and see if there isn’t a way to reach them at this stage in their lives.
First off, let’s just understand that, for lack of a better example, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Meaning they will absorb, understand and believe all things in two different ways even though brain structure and most other bodily attributes, except for a few very important and obvious ones that mark the difference between male and female humans, think, rationalize, internalize, comprehend, accept and act upon in two very different ways. That said, a woman is most often fueled by a strong sense of emotion tempered by a great sense of logic, determination, empathy, love, loyalty, and a huge dose of maternal instinct which drives their understanding of family, child-rearing and obligation to their offspring until… forever. Men, on the flip side of the coin, are often an enigma with a few definites. They are (or perceive themselves to be) well above women in physical strength, ability to enter any field of expertise they choose, an equal partner in the creation of a family, often geniuses on electronics and cars, and are capable of, but don’t always use the skill, of selflessness, emoting love, infinite patience, genuine understanding and strong and equal commitment to family and child-rearing.
Now you have a small understanding of why your twin granddaughter and grandson do not see eye to eye on anything while they are undergoing the changes from childhood into their impending adulthood.
The one good thing here apparently is that they each, individually turn to you for comfort and advice, so you’re still a very important player on the field. You just have to convey the same message to them in the way that they will absorb and accept it considering their age, and their gender. Their love for each other as siblings remains the same, it’s just taken a backseat to the physical and emotional changes they are going through and don’t know how to handle. So long as they look to you for that guidance and understanding, everyone will end up just fine, it’s the process that’s unnerving. So, just be the cog in the center of the wheel and it will keep turning. Growing up as the only male child in an all female household is difficult enough for your grandson to make the grade amongst his friends and tests his masculinity. So try to be understanding of that until he’s come to a complete comfort zone in his own mind about being a ‘guy’ and his growl has grown into a roar.
Thank you for showing us the importance of grandparents in a family dynamic. They are often the glue that keeps the family together and the voice of reason when common sense and logic take a vacation and are amiss with family members who are at odds with each other. Oh, there are the meddlesome kind that enjoy stoking the flames rather than squelching the fire, but we’re not talking about them here, that’s for another column. You keep being you and enjoy the promise of years filled with pride and accomplishments, the result of all your effort and good work will bring forth.
