Alone and Miserable
Dear Friend,
Many times I get letters from young people looking to place the blame for their inability or unwillingness to commit to marriage on anything or anyone but themselves. They will complain about “lack of chemistry” or say, “We were not on the same page.” However, what I’m getting from your story is something entirely different and far more debilitating. You are looking at your life as a formula for failure based on what others expect of you and their experiences. The weight under which you exist (because you are certainly not living) is fraught with intense anxiety and the highest level of pressure.
Let me try to explain to you perhaps why therapy and other modes of conditioning haven’t succeeded in helping you. My guess is that the failure of both your brothers’ marriages have, subconsciously, impacted your perception of marriage and you fear that, should you meet a young lady you can see yourself marrying, what happened to them will happen to you, to the point where you shut down before you get trapped. Further, you see the sadness and pain your parents have gone through and realize that you are a contributor to their misery. So now we add guilt into the equation and the weight you carry becomes so great you often wish you could crawl under a rock and disappear. Does that sound about right?
You need to understand that no therapist has a magic bag of tricks from which to extricate a cure, nor is there a book written with advice that will change things for the better just through the reading of it. First and foremost, you have to recognize that the way you are thinking is where the problem begins. What prohibits you from taking the next step with a girl you like is your allowing the fear to take control. At the same time, once you’ve ended a relationship you think you are a failure. And the guilt you feel when you tell your parents that this one, too, didn’t work out, only intensifies and solidifies this repetitive behavior pattern. Go back into therapy and learn to recognize what triggers your reactions, use the tools the therapist gives you to help you break the pattern and, most importantly, understand that you are not destined to live anyone else’s life but your own.
If you truly want to be free of the fear and terror, the anxiety and loneliness, understand that you already have that ability, all you need now is the will and determination to work to get there. The loving, happy life you so desire awaits you. Nothing worth having comes easy and that makes it all the more precious. Stop looking at your brothers and their failed marriages. Rather, look at the marriages of your friends and the beautiful relationships they share with their wives and children. Chase that dream and it will be yours. I’m rooting for you because I know you’ll get there, and when you do, drop me a note so I can share it with everyone else who’s wishing you well.