Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am sitting here totally stunned and drowning in feelings of guilt I have never felt before and the tears have not stopped. It is 4:00 a.m. in the morning and for the first time in my life I am consumed by self-hatred and loathing, seeing myself for the first time through the eyes of my deceased mother. How do I go on living? How can I possibly make this right? Now it’s too late! My mother is gone and I can never make restitution. She passed away thirty-two days ago, after having gone through surgery and telling us all that she no longer wanted to live. None of us believed her.
Early this evening my younger brother and his wife joined me at my parents’ home as it was after the shloshim for my mother and we had to start going through her things and packing up the house which we were going to put up for sale. My father had passed eight years ago and, being single, I had moved back home to help run the family business as well as help take care of the financial aspects of day to day life that my mother could not manage.
My mother and I did not often see eye to eye on business discussions or how I lived my life. To say we argued would be an understatement but I would always end up doing what I thought was right over what she preferred and she would ultimately back down. She was getting older and frail, needing help with most things mechanical and I would often admonish her to learn how to use the computer, cell phone and other gadget she would always misuse and then ask me incessantly for help. I never thought I was being anything but helpful and that she didn’t appreciate me or the problems I was having. That all changed tonight, as we were wading through the clutter of boxes and shopping bags of papers, clothing and items she accumulated but never took out of their boxes. Mom was also a hoarder of the worst kind and we thought we would need at least three weeks to sort through all the clutter so we got started. It fell to me to go through her personal papers and that’s when my world fell apart. Amongst the mountain of unopened mail and bills, there was a letter with my name on it crumpled up as if she had meant to send it but had a change of heart. And this is what she wrote:
Sidney, I want you to know that I forgive you for all the pain you have caused me, for every tear that I shed after you bitterly insulted me, demeaned me in front of others and belittled me. I forgive you for signing documents and issuing checks without my consult thinking that I didn’t know or was too feeble to recognize. I forgive you for blaming me for everything wrong in your life, for not finding a life partner, for needing to live with me so you could appear to the world like a devoted, selfless and loving son, when more often than not you were anything but that. I forgive you for using me as an excuse for giving up your job to take over mine, even though I never asked you to, but acquiesced because I knew you had gotten fired. I forgive you for doing small tasks for me, grudgingly, and seldom in a timely manner. I forgive you for the inconvenience of having to drive me to doctors appointments because I no longer trusted myself to drive. I forgive you for constantly reminding me of the miserable childhood you had and the awful mother I was, because I couldn’t give you what your friends had and chose to use my salary for food and clothes for all of you. For all these things I forgive you because you have such a bitter, lonely and empty life…all due to me.
I have chosen to leave this life so that I will no longer be the obstacle to your happiness, your productivity or your potential. I am so sorry you had to suffer so greatly by my being your mother, I don’t recall most of what you claim I am guilty of, on the contrary, I recall a silly, happy, free spirited child who always wanted hugs and kisses…and always got them. I remember a boy who got prizes for his accomplishment, praise for his good grades when he got them, and more love than most of his privileged friends seemed to have, as they were always in our house. Somewhere along the way to middle age something evil invaded my son’s body and took it over. I miss my child and don’t know where he’s gone. I hope and pray one day he will reappear and reclaim his soul so he can live with himself. But I am broken and have lost the will to wait for that miracle. So I just wanted you to know that I forgive you. I just hope the Almighty will forgive you as well.
Mom
I realize now what kind of a horrible person I am, Mrs. Bluth. How does a person like myself do teshuva for the torment I caused my mother? I am a virtual murderer who was instrumental in her losing her will to live. What do I do to absolve myself of the guilt and the torment that I was the catalyst to her demise? Please help me find the answer!
Dear Friend,
I am often asked how to rectify, resolve and/or restore many different causes of human failure so all parties involved can find a ways to co-exist with one another in peace and harmony. This does not apply here and whatever words of encouragement and solace I can give you will be for you alone as your mother has gone to her eternal rest.
Her letter to you may truly be something she never meant for you to see and was never going to send you, she wrote it simply as a form of catharsis for her broken heart. What I hear in her writing is a mother who genuinely loves her adult son and hurts deeply for him that he is unhappy to the point that he must blame others for his failures. She needed to lay it out so she, herself could feel validated that she was a good mother, a good person and tried her best with the little she had to give you the most important thing that money can’t buy…love.
I believe that through her words on that crumpled piece of paper she executed her last act as your mother, she made you see the destruction your actions brought about both to herself and to you with a crystal clear clarity that you cannot deny and have to own. She loved you so much as to think of your well-being over her own, and that is the deepest essence of a mother’s love.
You want to know what you need to do as penance and give her soul an aliyah? Change the way you live your life and become the son she loved and lived for…and bury the evil twin she died for. You come across as a very cold and self-centered person, perhaps a personality change is in order. See if you can’t get into a good therapy program that will help you become a nicer, more caring individual. That would be a great antidote to the guilt and self-hate you are wallowing in now and I’m sure it would bring a smile to her neshama.
