Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Something strange is happening to me and I can’t seem to control it anymore. For the past fifteen months I have been living in a constant state of fear bordering on terror and I am literally afraid to leave my dorm/home for classes and work. I was a twenty-two-year-old yeshiva bochur, going to college and working part-time to help pay for my tuition and living expenses. Everything was going well up until fifteen months ago, when I was a passenger along with four other guys in a car driven by a fellow student who drove us to our classes.
I recall sitting in between the two other guys in the back seat, involved in conversation about school work and job conflicts, when suddenly there was a huge explosion, and everything went black. I awoke two days later in severe pain and deep confusion. Why was I in a hospital bed and why were my parents there along with other family and friends, crying and wringing there hands? What happened to the other guys I was with in the car? Was this a nightmare with special pain affects? Or was it real! Again I lost consciousness only to wake up some days later.
No one would tell me about the state of being of the other young men with whom I had ridden, only that there had been a horrendous accident caused by a drunk driver that demolished our car and incinerated his. So many excuses were given to me as to why this wasn’t the right time to talk about it and I was just too weak to argue. Six months in hospital and intensive physical therapy after four surgeries to reset broken bones and a future no doctor could guarantee that I would ever be able to stand away from a wheelchair much less walk again, I was discharged and went home. It was then that I learned the fate of my other friends. The driver and his front seat companion were crushed to death by the horrible impact of the other car and the two fellows in between whom I was sitting sustained considerable injuries, but by being wedged so tightly between them they buffered my stability and absorbed the direct crushing impact, requiring the ‘jaws of life’ in order to extricate them from the car. I guess you would consider me lucky to have sustained the least impact and had the best chance of life.
These have been the bitterest months of my life. To work off the guilt of surviving the crash, I threw my entire being into proving the doctors wrong. I relearned how to stand and, eventually with the aid of crutches and a special body brace, I have learned to walk again. But something new developed that I just can’t handle. I have developed this all-consuming fear of resuming life outside of my home. I relive the nightmare of the crash almost every night and the terror floods my day. The worst is that I have begun blaming Hashem for what happened to me. I often think it would have been better if I hadn’t survived! I know it sounds horrible to think and say such things but there is a terrible darkness in my heart that has taken over any logic offered to me and I block out any chance of hope for myself. Is there any help for me? If so, I’m listening…
Dear Friend,
My heart broke reading your letter and I had to look deep within myself to see past your pain and to find the right words and message that will resonate and resuscitate your lost faith in Hashem and the will to live. You would greatly benefit from talking to both a therapist as well as a Rav. One will help you heal your broken heart the other will help you heal your spirit and comfort your soul.
It may sound a bit of a cliché to say life is hard and the world is often a harsh place to exist, but the truth is it has always been so. The take-away is to find the good pieces, the viable, workable and productive elements within ourselves, yes, even in the height of our misery there are always options, always resources we overlook in the vast scheme of things as to why we suffer and for what reason. And when the answers elude us because we allow guilt, anger, hatred and bitterness to blind us, we overlook the very thing that will help us move on and move forward to a life, maybe not as perfect as the one we wanted, but certainly one that encompasses the ability for joy, thanksgiving and hope.
Yes, you have sustained a massive blow at the brightest point in your life, try to find the strength and the will to challenge the obstacles and achieve a fulfilled and satisfying life in spite of them. You have already embarked on this road by defying the odds the doctors gave you and walk again. Now add absolute faith and belief in the Ribbono Shel Olam, the Rosh Rofeh Cholim, and ask for His help, and trust in His vision that everything holds hidden meaning and salvation.
A new year is upon us, packaged in war, wrapped in the grief and the losses of the previous one, there are still hostages held in unimaginable captivity and families broken apart by the evil that surrounds us. That said, it does not come to minimize your pain. On the contrary, it comes to reaffirm that during this time of prayers, tears and pleading the Almighty will look down upon our suffering and see it as enough. As we raise our eyes up to Him, He feels our love, our trust and our faith and He will bring about the miracles that each and every one of us longs for. His emissary, Moshiach, is already here and ready to raise the shofar that will be heard around the world, calling all of our departed loved ones to arise and gatherings all the believers who have waited so long for this moment to assemble and march into Yerushalayim.
On that day you will walk without your brace and crutches alongside all the cholei Yisrael made whole again, and we will all be as one. Have faith, dear friend, there is a hidden purpose for everything, and soon, everything will be clear and the clarity will be beautiful. A g’mar chasima tova, may all your deepest wishes be fulfilled.
