Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I hate my mother-in-law! Please don’t think badly of me for using such strong and disturbing language, but I’m writing this in the height of anger and if I don’t write it now, I’ll just stew on it until the next time it happens. So, please don’t throw away my letter because I have nowhere else to vent. You are getting the brunt of it since your column is a place where the problems of people who can no longer cope and have no place else to turn to for help come to bring their woes. So, here I am.
My greatest misery is my husband’s mother, who never misses an opportunity to stick a dagger in my heart at every turn and twist it until I become a weeping, lump of refuse, unworthy of a compliment, denied any consideration or recognition for making a beautiful home for her son, giving her three wonderful and well behaved grandchildren and appreciating the many glowing acts of chesed, my reputation and good name in our community as someone always ready for her involvement and participation in the betterment of our schools, yeshivos and community projects. Nothing about me elicits any words of praise or respect, I can do nothing worthy of her recognition or pride. In fact, just the opposite is true. And this yom tov was no different. But it was the last straw! I can take no more of her or from her.
This past Rosh Hashana we stayed with my in-laws along with their three other married children and their families. I had spent the last few days before the visit steeling myself to the abuse that was sure to be heaped on me at every turn. It is the way it has been since I married her baby boy, and has been ongoing since our wedding night. She always waits for the precise moment when my husband is not present or aware that she would make an insulting comment about me to her daughters or to me privately and takes extreme pleasure in my embarrassment and discomfort. She would comment adversely about my choice of dress, how much nicer her daughters looked, my method of child rearing. I do not permit my children to have sweets or junk food as two of them have severe allergies. And still, knowing this, she goes out of her way to serve mountains of cakes, cookies, chocolates and nosh to her other guests and grandchildren while mine looked on. She makes a point of forcing me to allow them a few pieces of junk against my better judgment, all the while with that wicked smile on her face that was meant for me alone. But this time she went too far.
My eldest son has been begging us to get him an iPad, he’s only nine years old and even though a few boys in his class have them, we do not feel that at his age this is necessary or appropriate. So what did the witch go and do? She presented him with an ‘early birthday present’…..an iPad!!! His birthday is in April! As if this was not enough, she bought gifts that I do not approve of for my two younger girls, along with gifting all her grandchildren, as if it were Chanukah instead of Rosh Hashana, knowing full well that it was going to cause all kinds of wars when I would not allow them to keep or use these gifts. Not enough that she asked my children “who is the best Savta in the world – she or my mother?” I just stood their wondering how deep her evil runs!
Just to give you some explanation about what may be the root cause of her dislike for me. When I met my husband it was fluke of a meeting. We were both working in the same company and often took the same train to work in the morning. Casual friendship soon turned into something more and I learned that his mother had her eye on another young lady he was introduced to but that he did not particularly find suited for him. So when I said that I would step away should it work out for him with this other girl, he absolutely wouldn’t hear of it. He cared for me as deeply as I cared for him and he went home and told his parents that he had met his zivug. His mother was beyond angry that he wasn’t going to pursue the other girl, but was steadfast in proposing to me. That is when the dislike of me began – even before I met her The dislike of me turned into abhorrence and has remained so to this day. My husband is not aware how deep her hatred of me goes and I surely do not want to complain every time she decimates me with her cruelty, but I am at a point where I can’t be in the same room with her. I love my husband and would never make him choose between his mother and myself. However, I am at a loss for what to do. I simply cannot look at her anymore, much less be in her presence.
Dear Friend,
OMG! What a sad state of affairs! I can truly appreciate the intensity of your predicament. However, I do take difference in the words you chose to describe your bitter feelings for your husband’s mother. Hate is a very harsh word because it is laced with poisonous intent encouraging evil thoughts and closes the door to any hope for a solution. Like a cancer, hate tends to consume both the victim of abuse as well as the abuser. So let’s understand that in order to have any chance for a successful outcome, drop the ‘hate’ and let’s see what we can replace it with that can possibly yield an amicable outcome, especially at this time of year, when fixing what is broken in all of us is certainly in order.
You definitely have suffered enough of your mother-in-law’s cruel treatment and her abusive disregard for your feelings. It is also quite clear that this woman was deeply disappointed when the young lady she had wanted her son to marry didn’t happen and her ‘baby boy’ overrode her choice. She appears to be a strong-willed woman, used to getting her way and when she doesn’t, someone needs to bare the blame. That’s where you come in. She can’t or won’t blame her son for this kerfuffle, so it must fall on you. But, of course she’s wrong, we both know this, the trick here is getting her to see that her behavior will only give her more grief than she already carries around.
If your husband can’t or won’t step up to try to reason with his mother that she is causing deep fissures in the family, not to mention a whole lot of bad blood, and that she is tampering with his shalom bayis, then the next step is to ask someone she respects, a relative or good family friend or a rav perhaps, to intervene and try to make her see that she is hurting herself along with everyone else in the family by behaving in this disgraceful manner. Ordinarily, I would throw in sessions with a therapist at this juncture, but that’s a bit premature at this point. As long as she harbors this distorted concept of you, there is little chance that things will improve, so perhaps you would consider a little distance until the healing begins. I would also suggest that you consider seeing someone who will help you get past your anger and strong dislike of this woman and to be able to actually pity her, because in the end, she is hurting herself as well.
Forgiveness is the antidote here and like a surgeon’s scalpel that cuts out the cancerous tumor, giving the patient a chance to heal, to live and to love, so too, does forgiveness do the very same thing for the spirit and the soul. We are at the beginning of a new year, one in which we await the coming of the geulah and the united return of Klal Yisrael to Yerushalayim Habnuya! Please make the effort to try and do your utmost to heal your family and be a part of making the miracles happen. Hatzlacha!
