Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am in a terrible state of confusion right now and simply at a loss for the right thing to do and desperately need your help! I am about to get engaged to a wonderful young man who, like myself, comes from a Reform Jewish home which made our upbringings copasetic. We agreed on the continuance of this lifestyle, observing just the high holidays and token observance of Passover, while also celebrating the secular New Year, and attending the Christmas parties on invitation from our Catholic and Christian friends.
One day three weeks ago, while looking for some legal papers to apply for my hyphenated name change on my marriage license, I stumbled on a small box containing old papers verifying that I had been adopted by my parents at birth. The name of the biological mother was listed as ‘Catharine McMahon’, aged fifteen and at the time she relinquished parental rights to her newborn daughter and the adoptive parents were my parents. I sat there stunned not knowing what to think and a terrible fright took me over understanding, suddenly, that I may not be Jewish and that my engagement and marriage to my Jewish fiancé might now be in question.
I immediately started getting in touch with anyone who was witness to my adoption and found out, after much digging that my father was a young boy whose last name was Levy. I breathed a sigh of relief because Levy is a Jewish name which means the I am half-Jewish and that it would be OK to marry my boyfriend who is Jewish on both his parent’s sides. I wish I had not told anyone anything about this, but I confided in my best friend, who then informed me that Judaism is passed to the child through the mother and not the father. But both my adoptive parents are Jewish and my grandparents on both sides are Jewish, doesn’t that make me Jewish too? I don’t know what to do or who to ask. We don’t belong to a Temple or know a rabbi and I can hear the sand falling in the hourglass with time running out for me to do the right thing. Would my fiancé call off the wedding if I tell him about my adoption and the circumstances that make my faith questionable or should I just stay silent and go into the marriage withholding this information? I don’t want my marriage to start out on a lie, so please enlighten me and tell me what I need to do to set this to rights.
Dear Friend,
My heart goes out to you for your angst and shock of your discovery at such an emotional time, but more so for the harsh truth I am obligated to impart to you. Simply stated, if your biological mother is Jewish, then you are Jewish and for most people that is enough. In some circles this must be borne out to three generations back that verifies Jewish birth of the mother and thus obliterates any questions as to the Jewishness of the children. However, if your birth mother is of any other faith outside of Judaism, than it is a certainty that you are not Jewish. There is another way a non-Jewish child/adult may enter the Jewish faith and this is via conversion. Have you enquired if your adoptive parents had you converted by a rabbi when you were twelve years or older and agreed to the conversion? If so, then you have no problem, But if this is not the case, then should you choose to contact a credible rabbi and begin to undergo the process of conversion yourself, then begin the process as soon as possible. It is not a speedy or simple process by any stretch of the imagination and there is much you will have to learn and accept before finally completing your conversion and immersing in the ritual bath wherein you will verbally renounce your previous faith and commit to take upon yourself all the commandments, laws and rituals of the Torah without forfeiture.
While this may be incredibly hard and time consuming, you must be straight forward with your young man and tell him the truth about your lineage. Even if he tries to dissuade you, stand firm and be true to your convictions and your conscience. Let us hope that his love for you is strong enough to withstand the wait for you to complete your journey to Judaism, a test that only a heart filled with love will withstand. Hopefully he will and this will make your union a strong and loving one. I wish you the very best and hope you let me know how it works out.
