Dear Mrs. Bluth,
What should be the happiest day of our married life is turning out to be the source of arguments and hurt feelings I never imagined would happen. My husband and I had long ago decided that if and when we were blessed with a child, we would pick a name the we both loved and it would reflect that love, unlike what I went through as a child. You see, I am the youngest grandchild of Holocaust survivors as is my husband, and it is expected of all offspring to be named after the relatives that perished. I struggled through school with a name I hated (*Zoshah, not her real name) and I was the butt of jokes and embarrassment throughout my elementary school years, so when we moved to New York and I started high school I told everyone my name was Zoey. I made my parents call me by my chosen name and they came around but only when my school friends were with me, otherwise they called me by my given name. My husband whose given name is *Fishel (also not his real name) had more tolerant friends and did not go through the same social trauma I did, but his parents were progressive thinkers and added Ford as a middle name on his birth certificate.
Four months ago, I found out I was pregnant and my husband and I started thinking of names after trying for three years to conceive. We were beyond overjoyed and couldn’t wait to tell our parents. So, on Thanksgiving we invited both sets of parents over for dinner and broke the news to them with the dessert. What followed was absolutely gut-wrenching as they started throwing out names to give our child, both male and female, that we should choose from. I was absolutely horrified at all the totally European names they suggested, names that had already been given twice and three times over to honor the departed owners of the original names, who perished in the concentration camps. I was so upset I ran to my bedroom in tears. This was not supposed to happen! Aren’t the parents given the right to choose the name? I never want my child to go through the embarrassment I went through because their names sounded weird or strange. I heard my husband yelling in the dining room, angry at the parents for upsetting me and they left angry that we did not see things their way.
That night, my husband and I decided that we alone would choose a name for our children, this one and any more that would follow and if it meant distancing ourselves from our rigid families, then so be it. So we picked two beautiful names, on feminine and one masculine and both biblical to ease the stress that we foresaw at the naming. I just felt the need to have another opinion that supports us and I remember seeing such a letter from someone else with the same problem that appeared a number of years ago in your column.
Dear Friend,
First, allow me to wish you b’sha’a tova, an easy pregnancy and healthy birth. I read your letter with mixed feelings and with an over-all understanding of the sensitivity of all parties involved. First I turned to my Rabbi on call in all matters like this and he assured me that what a child’s name is to be, belongs solely to the parents (as long as it’s not Dweezel or Floxweed) and should not be uttered aloud until the child’s naming, so you can rest easy that you’re in the clear on that one. That the name you both loved for either a male or female turns out to be biblical… all the more strength to you as long as it comes from the Old Testament and not the New Testament! So far, we’re doing great.
Now, for the part that is troubling to me. I genuinely understand how Shprintza or Kreindel may cause a girl child to experience some ribbing and hurtful comments from a few callous classmates and the same goes for Lemmel or Zusha for a boy that would probably earn him a few jabs and pokes by the class bully. I am saddened that those names are frowned upon in preference to Sari instead of Sarah and Bernard instead of Baruch because they have a modern ring to them. Those names once belonged to our ancestors who perished for being Jews and they should never be forgotten. I remember also, that in reply to the woman who sent me the first letter with the same problem as yours, I suggested she get in touch with the IDF for names of fallen soldiers who were never going to have children of their own, and name her child after one of them so that there would be an aliyah for their neshama as well as a zecher that they gave their life for us and Eretz Yisrael. Also, should she do this, to write a letter to the soldier’s family telling them that their son or daughter has a namesake in her child and give them a nechama that did, indeed, turn out to be what happened. The name she and her husband chose, Gilad, a”h, brought great comfort to Gilad’s parents who had no other children and they became honorary grandparents to this child, with visitation rights. This caught on with others who were expecting and there’s a whole new generation that now bears the name of fallen soldiers, making Am Yisrael truly one great and loving family.
I hope this makes it easier for others that may find themselves in a bind for what to name their soon to be son or daughter. We have so many beautiful names to choose from and so many ancestral names for our lost ones that should always be remembered. I hope your soon to be born child will wear his or her chosen name proudly and be a source of healing and pride to both your families and Klal Yisrael.
