Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am going through a very difficult phase right now and cannot discuss it with anyone, lest they get the wrong idea. I hope you will be able to help me understand why I feel the way I do and what I can do to remedy it. I cannot turn to anyone else for fear that this will get to my parents and others who may misconstrue my problem as one that is irreparable, which I hope it is not.
I am a young man aged twenty-three, the youngest of five with my two older brothers and two older sisters already married with young families of their own. Needless to say, my parents have encouraged me to find a shidduch as they have brought me many candidates to take out but I have turned half of these young ladies down and the other eight, after spending painful four-hour dates, were not considerations. I always found reasons for not going out again for a second date, the reason being that I really and truly don’t want to get married.
I’m actually terrified of marriage based on a number of my friends who are newly married and already talking about divorce because they are so miserable. One friend told me that soon after his wedding his wife suddenly became a different person. The sweet, gentle mannered, pretty girl he had dated disappeared and in her place was a demanding young woman who had demands he could not meet. Another friend didn’t foresee having his in-laws constantly at his apartment at his wife’s request. He said their was little chance for privacy with his bride when she preferred her mother’s constant presence and he would have to schmooze with his father-in-law and keep him company. There are other friends who, after the wedding, found that they might have made a mistake or weren’t ready for all the responsibility and other hidden surprises that may come along after the chuppah.
So now you are the only person who knows my fear and dread of getting married. My parents can’t understand why I’m so ‘picky’ and are fearful that no shadchan will want to deal with me because I am too difficult to work with. They have a valid point because, at this juncture, I have no desire to get married. I also want you to understand that I am a healthy, moral guy who enjoys female company, but as soon as it starts leading to the next level, beyond friendship, I find myself looking for the exit sign. I know I need help but I can’t risk exposing my fear to my parents or family. Can you help me get past my fear in a private way?
Dear Friend,
I understand your fear and apprehensions towards marriage, when many of your friends have experienced such difficulties so early in their marriages. But that doesn’t mean that it will happen to you. In fact, their misfortune will allow you to cover those fears with a young lady who holds your interest. That’s what dating is supposed to resolve, so after finding someone whom you enjoy being with and want to get to know better as you both kind of cruise toward that second level is when you ask the questions that terrify you, like “are your parents going to move in with us?”; “are you expecting us to put down a down payment on a house three months after the wedding?”; “are you expecting a gift of jewelry on every yom tov, your own car or several vacations every year?”… or any other question that is prohibiting you from moving forward.
I understand your fear of the great unknown, but you have four great examples of successful and happy marriages based on those of your sibling, who seem to be happily married. Stop listening to those friends who want to dump their momentary marital hiccups on you when all they need to do is grow up and grow into their marriages. I won’t tell you that there won’t be things you’ll have to adjust to or get used to in a marriage, because you will be sharing your life and living quarters with another person whom you married that probably has to get used to some things about you that only appear after you’re married. That’s the adjustment period and intimacy with someone you chose to share your life with. It may take some ironing out between you, but if there’s that glowing love thing that induced you to get married to each other, everything will work out just fine in a short period of time.
Do yourself a favor, grow up and be a man! Don’t let others dump their problems in your lap. Go out and find Miss Wonderful and build a life together. There may be small bumps in the road but nothing that any other young married couple making this adjustment aren’t dealing with… and the perks of sharing life with someone you grow to love beats being alone. Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing, I hope to be able to wish you a mazel tov in the not too distant future!
