Dear Mrs. Bluth,
It’s that time of year again. I have to put on a pair of mental boxing gloves and square off with my in-laws, as Chanukah approaches and the yearly arguments about gifting begin. Yes, this is an annual event in my household that always ends in tears, arguments and sore feelings, so I’m hoping you may have some ideas on how to handle the situation so I can avoid the war.
Every year around November, my wife’s parents call our children and ask them to compile a list of what they would like to get for Chanukah. Our six children wait with anticipation for this call, lists in hand, and with Bubby and Zaidy’s encouragement, rattle off a whole litany of toys and electronics that they would love to own. No one bothers to run this list by me or my wife, it is simply a given that this is between grandparents and grandchildren.
Ordinarily, my wife and I give my in-laws a lot of leeway when it comes to our children, simply because they are elderly, set in their ways and don’t get to see them too often – which is why they show their love via generous checks at birthdays and lavish gifts on Chanukah. This became a problem when the younger kids wanted and got electronic handheld games (DS games) along with more advanced electronic games for the older boys who should have known better as we are a very yeshivish family and sent our kids to lik20e-minded schools.
As many times as we’ve tried to explain this to my in-laws in a nice way, it always ends up ugly and argumentative and, inadvertently, it spills over into our homelife. If we take the electronics away, the kids get upset and resentful and even if we just limit the times they can use them, it still changes the dynamics of the family.
Whereas they used to interact and play board games with each other, now they become self absorbed, anti-social hermits, so obliviously in their own worlds as to forget to eat or do homework. There has been a visible decline in their grades and in their behavior and I can’t go through another Chanukah like this. I absolutely will not allow anything that has to be plugged in, charged or booted up into the house, even if it means alienating my in-laws, which I really don’t want to do.
Is their any way to make them understand that this is really not in the best interest of their grandchildren and certainly does little to enhance family unity? I look forward to your reply – hopefully before Chanukah.
Dear Friend,
You are in good company, not that this will make you feel better about your situation. Sadly, exposure to the outside world with its electronic wizardry is something that borders on a war of wills between parents and children.
To address your issue, you have to understand that it has to be approached on a number of fronts if you hope to be successful. First and foremost, both you and your wife have to have private talks with each of your children and explain to them that although Bubby and Zaidy mean well, they are the grandparents, not the parents. The kids have to check with you about what’s on their wish list before they give it to “the gift fairies” and you will either approve or explain why not.
It would also be a good idea for you to look through toy and game magazines with the kids and help them pick out suitable gifts to ask for. In this way, you might head off the disappointment of vetoing their choices after the gifts have been given. It will also show the kids that you love them and want to make sure they pick items that will appeal to all concerned.