In all that time, did it ever occur to you to just talk to her about HER and what SHE was feeling? Did you ever thank her not just with words but with simple handwritten notes to let her know YOU know how much HER contributions and sacrifices are appreciated and how lucky YOU are to have HER by your side?
I think not. You let her slip away from you without a fight. And you only noticed now, all these years later, that she is gone.
I understand finances are such that you may not be able to buy her something every once in a while – every woman needs to receive something special now and then to make her feel appreciated and loved – but words don’t cost anything and do so much. Reach out to your wife, slowly at first, so as not overwhelm her – ask her to go for a walk, catch a cup of coffee or simply sit with you on the couch after the kids go off to their rooms. Start by saying you can only imagine how hard these years have been for HER and how much you appreciate and love her and how much you miss HER. Tell her that you’ve been so wrapped up in your own misery you’ve completely missed how difficult it has been for HER and that you want HER to know that you love her more today than ever before. Tell her that you would love for the both of you to rebuild your relationship and that you will do whatever it takes for this to happen. Don’t expect miracles, but do this on a regular basis and buy her something small that she likes. People react to life’s challenges in various ways: Some will wallow in self pity and become self absorbed, others retreat within themselves, where it is safe and less painful and still others become proactive and determined to make things better, no matter what. You seem to belong to the first group, causing your wife to slip into the second group, but both of you need to join the third group. Easier said than done? Only if you can’t find the will or the courage to try. It doesn’t appear that your wife has slipped far enough into depression that you cannot reach out to her, but you won’t achieve anything by writing letters. It’s time to find your tongue, expose your heart and use your words!