Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I would like to comment on the letter from the desperate mother of nine children who bemoans the hardships her six daughters have in keeping up with their scholastic demands (12-11).
Your response to her was a basic suggestion that other factors, rather than an overload of schoolwork, may be at play here. You cautioned her not to assume that the school system and its demands are the perpetrators and cause of the growing distress and nervous attacks her daughters are experiencing.
Mrs. Bluth, I have two daughters who went through the Bais Yaakov school system, from playgroup through seminary. I recall the countless nights I helped my daughters with their studies, especially with limudei kodesh, and attended every PTA meeting, in order to meet those who were “cracking the whip.”
For the life of me, I never understood why a girl has to learn sifrei kodesh and meforshim which kollel yungerleit are hard-put to clearly understand. Why does a teenage girl have to quote passages from the Gemara with two dozen meforshim, followed by Chumash, halochas, Tanach and more? I always thought a girl needs to know enough halochos to run a proper Jewish home. What life-prolonging benefits does she get from memorizing what the Rosh explained on the debate on daf chof-beis in Messechta Sota? Why did my fourteen-year-old daughter need to know that Rashi, Sifsei Chachomim, Ohr HaChaim, Kli Yokor, Rashbam, Chezkuni and ten others explain a certain pasuk in parshas Shemois in different formats? Will that make her a better wife? A more sensitive mother? Nonsense!
I put these questions to teachers and, frankly, they agreed with my assertions that it’s not needed, but the administrations set the curriculum and they are beholden to follow it. When I complained to the principal, he, too, agreed shaking his head. “That’s the way it is!” What a brilliant answer to give to a concerned parent.
Yes, I agree with your answer to the mother, there may be health factors which are disturbing these girls. A doctor may find a problem and prescribe a remedy. However, saying that “girls try harder for scholastic excellence…” is not an answer or a solution. Girls are forced to try harder because the demands are so unrealistic. Does anyone believe that a girl who memorizes two meforshim will succeed less in life than the one who memorizes eleven and develops anxiety attacks and stress issues just so she can try to excel? Given a chance, I’m willing to bet that the over-all majority of girls would rather get a good night’s sleep.
Our society has turned itself upside-down and we need to wake up. There are so many children at risk, and even more children who have already fallen through the cracks. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, Judaism has become a heavy burden to so many of our kids and the ever-growing scholastic burdens placed on their shoulders is one reason why this troubling phenomenon is spiraling out of control.
Not to diminish the severity of this situation, but rather to emphasize the absurdity of it all, I overheard someone say that the best shidduch would be a Brisker boy who marries a girl from BJJ; then, without a doubt, she will know how to learn and he’ll know how to cook!
Isaac Kohn
Dear Readers,
This column generated a lot of feedback. Many from my generation felt like Mr. Kohn and wondered why there is a need for girls to know so much (sometimes more than boys) to the point where it seems they can even paskin shaylos. Others were of the opinion that there should be a general curriculum for girls who find it hard to keep pace and an accelerated one for those who relish the challenge of knowing more.
There cannot be an across-the-board solution to teaching. It is a hugely difficult profession and the challenges grow each year as the number of children per classroom grows. And what works for one girl may not work for another – children are as diverse as the shape of snowflakes and there will always be those who will not flourish in the classroom. There will always be those students who will do well with little or no effort, some who maintain good grades by sweating and toiling to stay at the top and those who tune out and fade into the background. But, there are schools to accommodate every kind of student and that is why I suggested the “school change.”
In reality, any complaints should be directed to Sarah Schenirer, z”l, who saw the need for a woman to know and learn, to question and seek answers and to love and embrace the teachings of our Torah, so that when the time came to marry, she would be a true eizer k’negdo to her husband. How much or how little education, then, falls to the individual girl/woman, but to deny that education to a young woman who seeks enlightenment is to throw her into an unending darkness since her quest for knowledge can only be quenched by the pursuit of knowledge itself.
As parents, we have the obligation to extend as much education as our daughters can absorb. It is also our responsibility to watch them as they grow, keep them safe, healthy, happy and involved and, should any adverse signs arise along the way, attend to them in a timely manner and not leave anything up to chance. We are living in stressful times, but our children are not cookie-cutter products. Each child’s requirements are unique, important and valid; what benefits one girl produce adverse affects in others. Wise parents will see this and understand that the remedy lies in their hands and not necessarily with a child’s teacher or school.
Mr. Kohn, you are a loving father and that comes through in your letter, but there is much to be said about the fact that you kept your daughters in the school you found so much objection with. Why did you do so? Were there no other schools to change them to, or, perhaps, they didn’t want to change, as they didn’t see things the way you did. Whatever the reasoning, everything turned out fine in the end. And, sometimes, that’s all that matters.
But, thank you for allowing me to showcase your letter and expound on some added variables I may not have touched on previously.