Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am really at a loss for how to deal with my situation and would appreciate any advice you can offer. I am married all of eight months and am already encountering marital issues – not with my husband, but with his married friend who lives on the same floor as us.
My husband and I were very lucky to find this apartment while we were engaged. It’s very close to the kollel in which he learns and is filled with young kollel couples, mostly with young babies. We became friendly with many of the couples and I became fast friends with the wife of my husband’s chavrusa who had been instrumental in our getting the apartment. So far so good.
I got a teaching job in the same Bais Yaakov as my good friend sp we would ride together in the morning and come home together in the afternoon. Her husband took their two young children to daycare on his way to kollel after we left and picked them up before we got home. I thought that was great and that im yirtzeh Hashem, when we would have children, my husband would do the same.
Soon after I became pregnant I mentioned this idea to my husband and was kind of surprised by his reaction. He said that he thought it was stealing to accept money from the kollel for time in which he wasn’t learning. When I was ready to go back to work, we would speak to his family about helping to watch the baby.
Puzzled, I asked why it was okay that his friend did it and his said that his friend unfortunately had a number of behaviors that were not appropriate for a kollel youngerman, and that put an end to the conversation. I did notice that they no longer seemed as friendly as they had been.
I was having an extremely time during my first trimester, and on doctor’s orders, took a leave of absence from teaching. One day, I filled time by cleaning out space for a bassinet and met my husband’s friend as I was coming up from the garbage. He had his two kids with him and we shared some pleasantries as the elevator stopped on our floor and he walked me to my door, but I got the strange feeling that he stood outside my door a while longer before going into his apartment. The next day, there was a knock on my door well after my husband left for kollel and his wife to work; he asked if he could come in and visit with me. I made an excuse that I was not feeling well and that it was not a good idea, but he wouldn’t leave. I was at my wits end at how to get rid of him when my phone rang and I told him I had to lie down. Luckily, it was my husband calling to see how I was.
After that he would automatically appear at the elevator whenever I did, forcing me to ride down with him. Once he even tried to block my exiting from the elevator, saying that he really wanted to talk to me because he was unhappy in his marriage, a forced one by his account, and he thought I might be able to help him. Thank goodness two other women approached the elevator and he was forced to let me leave. Although I feel sorry for him, I also know this is a bizarre situation, one that makes me feel fearful and uneasy. I am afraid to tell my husband since this was his friend, or confront his wife because I don’t want to add to their sholom bayis issues, but my stress level is affecting my health and further complicating my pregnancy.
Please tell me how to deal with this growing problem before something awful happens.
Dear Friend,
It seems to me that something awful has already happened – you have become a prisoner in your home, your health is affected and, if this issue is not resolved, may affect the wellbeing of your unborn child. You need to speak to your husband and share your concerns with him – even if this leads to a confrontation between your husband and his “friend.” If he is the temimisdik ben Torah you presented him as, he will do the right thing and be shoel eitzah as to how to proceed. But you must not wait one moment before telling him what has been going on.
This neighbor is behaving in a predatory manner, not a good sign. Up to now, you have been fortunate in avoiding him and not being alone with him, even in the elevator for any length of time. No one can surmise what thoughts live in a person’s mind and what his ability to act on these thoughts may be. Even if what he says about his marriage is true, his fixation with you is highly dysfunctional and possibly dangerous. Please address this immediately and try not to be alone, either both inside and outside of your apartment, until this issue is resolved.
I don’t mean to frighten you, only to warn you. Outward appearances are not always what they seem and for some people Purim is not just one day of the year, but the whole year long and those are the ones we must be careful of.