After the baby, a girl, was born, I hoped things would go back to normal. But they actually got worse. My wife shut me out almost completely and the baby took up every moment of her day and night. When she asked me to hire some help either for the house, or at night for the baby so she could get some sleep, I didn’t see the need. Having babies was a natural woman’s job and I did not know of anyone who ever needed this kind of assistance. Besides, this baby was a costly proposition, what with everything it needed and while money had never been an issue in the past, without her job, it was getting a bit tight. And the fights got worse. Fast-forward three years, separate bedrooms and no physical contact later – and divorce papers were filed.
Little did I realize that her brother, now a divorce attorney, counter-sued me for divorce and simultaneously petitioned for an order of protection against me for the baby and herself, claiming that I had hit her with a large plate. In actuality I had thrown it at her; it only happened once, when I came home a little late and the supper on the table was cold and inedible. Then, she packed up and left back to Iowa with the baby, leaving only what she couldn’t carry.
Needless to say, it cost me a small fortune to travel back and forth for the proceeding, whenever we had a court date or a major conference with attorneys, forensic evaluation and custody hearings. Long story short, she wanted everything and I should get nothing. She brought proof of abusive behavior (there were a few instances that were unfortunately witnessed by others) and showed that I was a poor parent (not that I intended to sue for any custody, but since she was being so vindictive and cruel, I decided to sue for sole custody, even though I didn’t care to have the child with me) and this dragged on for another 2½ years. In the end, the court ruled almost 100% in her favor. She got alimony, child support and sole custody. I got the last laugh by withholding the Get!
I went back to Canada a free man while she stays in Iowa a chained woman. I started a group for four other chaps with similar experiences and we have meetings twice a month where we support each other over some beers at the local pub. I’m back on the dating scene, wiser and more cautious than before; being burned makes you wary of fire. I’m still a looker, natty dresser and know how to treat a lady. So, while my ex wallows in her aloneness, and keeps sending me hazmonos, I’m having a great time.
There you have it, longer than I intended it to be and not nearly as graphic as I intended, I think everyone will recognize by the way that I’ve been wronged and victimized that men have an even harder time of it than all those women you showcase. I know you won’t print this because it will probably shake your world, but I had to finally let you know how wrong you are about the abuse factor.
C U in Montreal
Dear C U,
I hear you loud and clear and just for the record let me say that your ex-wife, even without her Get, is far luckier being away from you. You are right on one point and that is that very few men come forward with their stories.
Judging by your letter, you clearly fall into the classic physical and emotional abuser category, not the victim profile.
From your description of yourself, you appear to be narcissistic and, sadly, nothing more than an empty suit in the character and personality department. The common thread throughout your missive is one of self-entitlement with little regard for your wife and child. You were looking for a hired maid to serve you with little or no regard for her needs and desires. You found someone who was the complete opposite of your nature and character, someone accomplished, intelligent, warm and caring who laid out for you her job description so that there would be no surprises, and you agreed. Once married, you realized that the conditions did not allow for maid service and that’s when the fireworks started. You even convinced her to give up her dream of becoming a cardiologist, just so you could have your way. You changed the rules of the game and you expected her to keep playing even after the baby came. That poor little baby was just another obstacle to your creature comforts, another imposition for you to overcome. Thank goodness the court in Iowa awarded sole custody to ex-wife; at least the child will have the warmth, love and support of her mother.
