Sarai
Dear Friends,
We received many responses to the column from men who sought anonymity for fear of reprisal, parents who are suffering alongside their sons, as well as from irate readers who took umbrage at the idea that I have “jumped ship” and abandoned the women who were, traditionally, the most obvious victims of abuse and violence in a dysfunctional marriage. I have chosen just a small sampling of some of the responses and thank all those who shared their views, giving me the opportunity to clarify my understanding of the situation.
As I have stated, and as has been proven, angry, violent and abusive behavior is not exclusively a male-gendered issue. Women are also known to abuse and exhibit violent tendencies, although the numbers are smaller. But it does happen. Although I have been a staunch and unwavering defender of women and children victims of abuse and violence, I have chosen to stand up for this injustice as well and give these men a voice. No one should have to suffer pain and indignity, fear and affliction at the hands of another, be they woman, man or child. This is the foundation upon which this column stands and the reason it exists, so that we can find solutions and obliterate the major problems that plague our people.
Anger, violence and abuse can either be learned behavior, witnessed in the home growing up, or it can be a genetic flaw, translating into mental and emotional instability and/or dysfunction. Either way, it is our responsibility as a community to stem the tide of marital and child abuse. We have to drop the gender blame card and understand that these are individual and personal human failings that are doomed to be repeated if we don’t change our perception.
Parents, be aware that your interactions are watched and absorbed by tour children, giving them a blueprint to follow in their future lives. How you treat one another impacts hugely on your children’s social skills and the treatment of their future spouses. Yours are the first lessons your children learn, before they can even speak or walk and these are the lessons that become most deeply rooted. So be very careful in the way you respect each other, speak to one another and the image you project.
Children who portray unusual or troubling behavior should be attended to at the earliest possible time. The sooner a child gets emotional and/or mental assessment and diagnosis, the more successful all involved will be in helping him or her have as healthy and productive a life as possible. It may be a painful truth that parents who pass on genetically imprinted emotional and/or mental conditions wish to deny and hide from society, but withholding treatment that may help soften or correct some of these disorders is exactly what helps pass on these dysfunctions. If you see any abnormality in your child, get help immediately and change the course of events.
To all those well meaning shadchanin, who’s only goal is to make 1+1=2 at any cost I beg you to stop! When asked about a young man or woman for shidduch purposes, be truthful! Be shoeil eitzah if you are not sure exactly what to day, but don’t just say nothing or lie and say only good things. Overlooking a dysfunction in favor of a mazal tov, withholding dangerous and hurtful truths about a condition, will only cause more heartache and grief to an innocent and trusting party and family. And worse, you will have become an accessory to a crime and a willing partner to the destruction of two families, for which you will surely be held accountable after 120 years, in spite of your good intentions.