Dear Mrs. Bluth,
The new week was completely ruined for me when I opened my mail Motzzei Shabbat. I received what can be called an “un-thank you” letter with the writer stating that it was cheap of me to give a “religious” gift instead of a monetary one for a morning Bar Mitzvah. The writer noted that I am financially well off and should have been more generous.
I was appalled by the lack of derech eretz expressed and the harsh tone in which the letter was written. The sense of entitlement expressed was hurtful, to say the least, and a poor example of mentchlichkeit, and what kind of message does it send to the bar mitzvah boy about appreciating gifts given and received.
I was so upset that I asked a number of people how to address this issue. Everyone agreed that the person who wrote the hurtful note was wrong, that what I did was the proper thing and I should not take it to heart. The underlying message was that I got to see the shallowness of the note-writer who had the chutzpah to write to me in this ugly fashion.
Nevertheless, this does not ease my pain at all. How do you deal with this? I have always appreciated the wisdom in your words, so I ask you and your readership to guide me.
Feeling Hurt In Midwood
Dear Friend,
How sad that you received such an ungracious note for your kind gesture. There is an unwritten rule that, unless specified, discretion is left to the guest to give the gift of his or her choice – be it monetary or something practical. I find no fault in your choice of gift for the occasion and believe that it was in good taste. The hosts of the affair responded in a low-class, boorish manner.
Don’t stoop to their level by responding in kind. It does no good to keep fanning the flames of lashon hara by sharing the situation with other; instead, pity the note writer his/her pettiness.
Remember that no one has the right to dictate how much you spend on a gift or surmise how much you earn. Should these people have the good fortune to make another simcha in the future, make a mental note to be busy or out of town should these opportunists send you an invite and spare yourself a possible repeat performance.
***
Dear Mrs. Bluth,
This has been bothering me for the longest time. While it happened almost a year ago, I cannot rid myself of the sense of guilt I carry around for not speaking out and possibly making a difference in the outcome. I will not say where I live or name the people responsible; however, it is a situation, albeit rare, that may come up at another time, in another shul, in another city.
It was on Tisha B’Av last summer when we gathered in our shul to hear Megillas Eicha that I heard a murmuring from the entrance and turned to see what the disturbance was about. I saw a young man guided by a seeing eye dog trying to enter the shul along with an elderly gentleman. The older man tried to seat the young man near the door, the dog close by, not barking and being well behaved. I heard the elder gentleman trying to explain that the young man was his grandson, a veteran, blinded and injured in Afghanistan, who was staying with him while he received treatment for his wounds. They were there to hear Eicha.
I heard angry voices saying that an animal had no place in a shul, voices that seemed to cover any voice of reason that may have presented itself, as the voice inside my heart was trying to do. The rabbi came down from the pulpit and asked the both men to leave saying that an animal was not allowed in his house of worship. I watched in sadness as the elder and the younger man left, along with this beautiful, loyal animal, who was as vital to this young man who had fought for us, as a wheelchair is to a paraplegic or a prosthesis is to an amputee. All this young man wanted to do is hear the megilah in shul, to exercise his privilege as a Jew, but was asked to leave because his new set of eyes came in the form of this magnificent animal.
I know that animals are not allowed in a place of worship; however, this goes far beyond the normal code of rule. I also know that how this was addressed was wrong on many levels. I am curious to know if there is a way for a Jewish person, totally dependant on an animal for safety and mobility, to be able to come to shul. I have been given to understand that the animal is trained not to leave its master’s side, thus making it impossible to leave the animal outside until services are over.
Dear Friend,
This is certainly an unusual situation, and I empathize with you on how it was handled. However, to be fair, the halachic issue is one I cannot address, but have forwarded it to a number of rabbanim. What I can address at this writing is the act of embarrassing someone in public, a sin which is tantamount to killing a person and warrants the harshest punishment.
That your fellow congregants had lost their ahavas Yisroel at a moment when it was most warranted is indicative of how insensitive we have become as a people. This wounded warrior who lost his sight fighting for our safety, who came to hear Eicha, was cut down by verbal bullets that were as lethal as those that missed him in the war. Words are terrible weapons that can kill the spirit just as actual bullets kill the body. I would have hoped that some wisdom would have prevailed and the hostility downplayed to save face for both the young man and the congregation.
As I await a response from my panel of experts, perhaps there will be a reader who can share how this type of situation has been dealt with in his or her shul.
