Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I have come to accept the fact that I am wrong on every level, that I refuse to help myself and that I will never amount to much should I choose to remain stubborn and refuse to co-operate.
To clarify, I find myself stuck in therapy with a therapist who does not hear me, refuses to understand my side of things and is always siding with my parents against me. I have no chance to make any inroads in resolving the horrible state of affairs at home, in school or in life, as I am held hostage by this therapist who has won over the confidence of my parents and sees me only as a problem child who wishes to get his own way and make my parents miserable. I’m sure she is also happy with the fee she collects every week when we go for our family sessions, or slugfests, as I see them.
For the past two years, we have been meeting with this woman who claims to “understand” and “empathize” with our fractured family relationship. Her walls are lined with degrees from many prestigious colleges and institutions, but to me she represents someone who is no better than a thief. She takes my parents’ money while giving us (me, at least) nothing in return except another appointment for the following week. But my parents dote on her every word, because she hears only what they have to say and shuts me out completely.
I’m so tired of hearing the same thing over and over again: “Wake up and realize you have to change.” “Your parents want the best for you and you simply go against them.” “If you would only man up and conform, things would be 100% better for you.”
Can a person be 100% wrong all the time? Even though I’m almost seventeen, I don’t think that I’m so wrong because I want different things than my parents want for me or that I don’t deserve any consideration in light of the fact that I have different friends than what they would like, or want to read books they don’t approve of – some are classics with diverse subject matter they feel is inappropriate for a yeshiva bochur and for which I got in trouble with my rabbaim two years ago, when all of this started.
I am a good person who wants to know about the world I live in, is that so terrible? Does that make me a problem child who must go for therapy? Well, I won’t be brainwashed into thinking that I am! If only this therapist would put aside her prejudice and just listen to what I need to say without always cutting me off and putting me down, then maybe she and my parents would see that what they have been doing is only pushing me farther away and making me less willing to understand them!
Dear Young Man,
Your frustration comes across clearly in every line of your letter; so much so, it is almost a living thing. I understand that you feel trapped in a windowless cubical from which you see no escape, no consideration or understanding for your pain and no resolution for betterment in this futile situation. From your viewpoint, I can see that your therapist is, sadly, not in sync with your needs and is totally focused on those of your parents. In fairness to her, however, I will not make any judgement as to why this is, simply because she has no say here, I have only your words to go by and so I will respond in a very generic manner.
Teenagers are wonderful people who remind us of things we might want to forget – like how we may have behaved when we were that age. Yes, your parents are “the adults,” whom you must respect and, if you are wise, listen to. Understand that your parents have already been where you are and know the pitfalls of doing what you think is okay. Maybe they’ve even made some of the mistakes they are trying to shield you from. Try to stand back and understand that what you take as indifference and opposition is actually motivated by love and experience. Give them the same honesty and fairness you so want for yourself.
As for your being ignored by your therapist, and if indeed this is true, I am totally in your corner on that one! There cannot be any good in family therapy if a voice goes unheard or is dismissed. Every client’s needs are valid and must be addressed and considered, certainly by the therapist. From your description, that is not happening with your therapist. There are many reasons why a good therapist may want to recuse her/himself from a case – if there is a lack of trust and faith in the process, if the therapist genuinely recognizes that she is not seeing valid progress over a considerable period of time or if he or she is burned out and simply going through the motions of trying to help.
Whatever the reasons in your case, I want to assure you that you are not a bad person, nor are you wrong 100% of the time. Much of what you want is totally understandable and certainly not “a crime punishable by death!” But there is so much I don’t know from your short letter of complaint – your parents side of the story as well as the therapists response – so it is hard to know.
I will say that you sound like a solid young man who just wants to bite off a larger chunk of life than is good or healthy for him. So, in the hopes that your parents or your therapist will read this, I would encourage them to make the next session about you, that they sit back and give you a chance to express yourself and how you feel. And really, really listen!
