Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I write this with tremendous guilt for having married the wrong man many years ago. You might ask why this still bothers me, as we have been divorced for so long.
The answer is that I see the pain my ill-fated marriage caused my child, who is filled with anger at both of his parents. I see the corrosive relationship he has with his father. Father’s Day, Yomim Tovim, Shabbosim and simchas all bring conflict and resentment and breed so much emotional pain. Yet, when I try to intercede, I become the bad one!
I just don’t know what more to do. We have seen so many counselors and all their advice has fallen on deaf ears. It has reached the point where I leave my ex-husband and our child to battle it out, which is an unbearable situation for all of us.
I think that had I not married my ex-husband, none of us would be suffering this way. I feel that my bad marriage has destroyed so many of my loved ones lives; my late father, z”l, was terribly affected, and my child is dealing with so many issues, not the least of which was a difficult relationship with my ex-in-laws that took many years to normalize.
My point in sending this letter is to remind readers of the importance of marrying someone with whom one is compatible and of making smart decisions. I also want to convey the difficulties in the aftermath of divorce and the understanding that they can be permanent.
Mrs. Bluth, what can be done to heal the rift between my son and his dad? My own relationship with my ex is better today since he has remarried and we have both grown and matured.
Dear Friend,
Your letter is filled with the pain that accompanies a dysfunctional marriage left to fester over many years, especially when those involved refuse to accept the help that was available to them through counseling. You bring up a number of painful observations and experiences and then ask how things can be fixed, but as I don’t really know you and your family, I can only answer in general terms.
The greatest truth is that a bad marriage is painful and if the spouses cannot or will not use the tools provided to them by a therapist, it can be devastating. A bad marriage that goes on for years, where children are fed a daily diet of toxic, dysfunctional interactions is decimating, as it guarantees the continuance of such behavior in the homes the children will create when they marry.
And so the chain of pain goes on and on. Early intervention in a young troubled marriage is the best hope for a good resolution and a saved marriage – in most cases. Once a pattern of dysfunction and abuse is normalized, everyone in the family will become victims.
You ask what can be done to repair the relationship between your son and his father. The answer is nothing, if one or both of them make no effort towards that goal. Perhaps too much damage has been done, too many years have gone by or too much hatred and bad blood has blocked out any hope for reconciliation. Mending something that is broken, with effort and work on everyone’s part, is possible, however, a relationship that has always been based on hurt, pain and abuse may well be fractured and shattered beyond repair.
You begin with your guilt on marrying the wrong man and go on to send a warning about making sure people pick the right life partner or they may suffer the consequences as you have. Your guilt is something you have not overcome even as you have changed and grown from the experience of your failed marriage. It seems you are retaining guilt for something you had little control over, an indication that there is still room for improvement in your life and that you would benefit from counseling even now.
As for telling people to be sure to marry the right person, that’s a pretty tall order. Many things happen in a seemingly good and stable marriage that can lead to marital strife – there are no guarantees. We have to do our best to make the right choices and hope that Hashem is in agreement and that the person we choose for ourselves or that our children choose as life partners, are indeed the right zivug. If we have done our hishtadlus, there should never be a reason to feel guilty.
I hope that life leads you to peaceful places where you can be free of guilt and stress, and where you can find happiness.
