Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I would like to reply to the woman who claims to read your column simply for the “entertainment,” factor and does not believe that any of the letters you publish are true. It seems she has a difficulty accepting that these terrible tragedies can take place amongst religious Jews. I am writing to vouch for the fact that they do.
I worked in a reputable mental health facility for over thirty years. While I myself am not Jewish, many of my clients were. Every imaginable mental and emotional affliction that is evident in the secular population can be found in the Jewish community as well. What I have found among married Jewish women is a deep and silent depression, often culminating in an attempted suicide. During my sessions with these women it is clear that they have suffered bitterly, over long periods of time, and have not sought help in any way for fear of being branded in some way or treated as an outcast. They keep silent and suffer emotionally, and often physically, until they can no longer bear it and resort to suicide.
Guilt, betrayal, domestic abuse, fear of divorce or not being able to get a divorce through the Jewish courts are all part of the problem. Many of these women know of cases were women filing for a Jewish divorce walked away with little or nothing in support and may have been denied custody and visitation of their children.
When I would ask why they couldn’t go to secular court, they almost always said it was forbidden or that they did not have the finances to hire an attorney. The common thread in all my Jewish cases was that there was little support emotionally or otherwise for a woman who’s marital plight became public knowledge. Her family, friends and community abandoned and shunned her, siding with her husband. She ended up an outcast within her community, a ghost amongst her own people, until suicide began to look like the only means of escape.
I am retired now, but I still see some patients on a limited basis. Their stories are still the same, differing ever so slightly in detail. I have come to understand that the insular community is often the reason these women resort to life-ending alternatives. When there is no one to whom one can turn to for help, and rumors abound in regards to the situation, these women are technically “walking dead.”
The reason for this letter at this late date is to get a better understanding on how to deal with the issue before it is too late to save these women. Your help and clarity would be invaluable.
Dear Friend,
Let me first say that I am impressed with the deep concern that comes across in your letter and your desire to find solutions by which you can better assist your patients in their darkest hour. However, what you are asking me to do is nearly, if not totally impossible.
Suicide is a place that no one with a clear and solid understanding of hope will ever consider going to. It is the absence of all hope that enhances the idea that suicide is the answer to the unceasing pain and grief. It has little to do with being Jewish, Catholic or an atheist. It is more about the limits of a person’s capacity to handle emotional or physical pain, without respite. What makes it different, to some degree, in regards to Jewish women is that the lessons of modesty taught in schools and in many homes encompasses the idea that one’s home life and marital issues are kept to be kept private and dealt with internally. More often than not, this means that the woman will not confide in family or close friends, thus ensuring her a life of suffering in silence. It is only when suicide enters the thought process of a mind so distorted by pain that the problem comes to light and help arrives, hopefully before it is too late.
