Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Many years ago, my then twelve-year-old daughter asked me to open a bank account in trust for her, wherein I deposited her bas mitzvah money and all the monies she made from babysitting, and being a counselor in camp. During the ensuing years she accumulated a few thousand dollars, having never asked me to withdraw any money. When she graduated high school and got a job she continued to hand over the bulk of her paychecks for me to deposit in her account, which still remained in trust for her.
Sometime during those years, my husband lost his job and my salary was not nearly enough to cover our household needs. Even with help from my own, elderly parents, I had great difficulty covering expenses and I “borrowed” from my daughter’s bank account on a number of occasions, always promising in my heart to return the amount just as soon as our financial situation improves. The guilt I felt for taking the small sums was always quieted by this mental promise. But the borrowing became more frequent and the sums larger as my older son got engaged and the cost of the engagement and wedding were overwhelming.
Without thought as to how much I was already indebted to my daughter’s account, I regularly withdrew monies to cover the costs. And after the wedding and sheva brochos, there was soon nothing left in the account. My daughter trusted me and never doubted that I was looking out for her welfare, so she never asked to see her bank statements. She had no idea that her hard-earned money was gone.
My daughter came home from a shidduch date and told us she had met her bashert. We were overjoyed to meet our soon to be son-in-law, who turned out to be a wonderful young man with a bright future and a wonderful family. As we began to plan the wedding, my daughter asked to have access to her bank account so she could withdraw $10,000 for her gown and deposits. She was determined, she said, not to be a burden to us.
I had no choice but to expose the terrible thing I had done and tell her that there was no money left. It broke my heart to see the crestfallen look of disbelief in her eyes as I tearfully begged her forgiveness. Though she told me not to worry and assured me that she would take out loans and repay them, the trust between us was broken and the closeness we shared gone. I had hoped that once she was married and time passed, things between us would return to the way they used to be however, it is a year since the wedding and the distance between us is greater than ever.
I miss my daughter so much and wish I could turn back time without repeating my mistake. What can I do to make amends and show her that I am truly sorry for what I did? How can I regain her trust and respect?
Dear Friend,
Trust, once broken, is an arduous endeavor to regain — but not impossible. What you did is reprehensible to say the least, but your daughter seems to me to be a sensible young woman, who showed her kibbud av v’aim by not losing her temper when you divulged your secret. She even went so far as to assume loans to cover her wedding so as not to have to burden you and your husband. But understandably, trust fell to the wayside.
Love, if it was strong and close with the two of you before, should have created a solid foundation upon which to reconnect and rebuild the trust that was tested. Call your daughter and sit down over coffee and explain what caused you to begin “borrowing” against her savings…. with the honest intention for paying it back. Tell her how sorry you are that this caused such a distance between you and how much you miss her and the way things used to be. I think you have a good chance of making her see how sincerely you want to have things back the way they used to be and I have a strong feeling she wants that too.
