Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Two years ago, after six years of dating countless losers and societal misfits, I thought I’d finally found the man I had been looking for. I was by no stretch of the imagination a career dater with a long list of specifications that had to be met in order for me to consider going out on a second date; quite the opposite, in fact. I looked for character, personality, stability and a good sense of humor in the man I hoped to marry. As the years went by without much success, my parents and friends gave up hope that I would ever find the man of my dreams – and so did I. So, when I met “Jake,” I couldn’t believe my good fortune. He was exactly the kind of person I had been looking and waiting for.
Because I had been turned off by dating at that point, I decided not to bother with make up or getting dressed up for the evening, thinking it would end in the usual disappointment. I came home from work and changed into a denim shirt, comfortable skirt and flats, just wanting this obligatory evening to be over. Even though Jake sounded nice on the phone and succeeded in making me laugh, I had no hope that anything would come of it and mentally wrote him off.
Jake turned out to be six feet two, and looked like he came off the pages of a fashion magazine. He came to pick me up in a Lexus and wearing expensive clothes; he took one look at me and burst out laughing. I had to laugh as well at the contrast we made and instead of going back into the city for dinner and theater, we ended up going for pizza and a ride through Central Park, so that I wouldn’t feel out of place. I was impressed with his consideration, and that he was not put off by my appearance, and he had me laughing almost all evening with his wry wit and fire-cracker humor. I couldn’t believe I had stumbled upon this man of my dreams just when I was ready to give up hope of ever finding him.
We went out quite a number of times and spoke on the phone two and three times a day, and I knew he would propose. I met his parents and siblings and was shocked to see how different they were from Jake. They were not particularly warm and friendly people and it felt more like a job interview than meeting future in-laws for the first time. That impression never had a reason to change. His father is a pessimist who finds fault with almost everything and his mother is a “glass half-empty” kind of person as well.
It seemed that Jake had decided to be the opposite of his parents. My parents loved him almost immediately, and my extended family and friends were beguiled with him as well. So, when he finally did propose, everyone was in awe of my good fortune. Jake’s biting humor and penchant for poking fun at everyone and everything kept us all in stitches, right up to the wedding day.
On our wedding day there was a sudden deluge of rain and the downpour ruined our hope for the garden ceremony we had so carefully planned. We had to have an impromptu chuppah set up indoors instead of the beautiful, ornate and flower bedecked one that was completely ruined. My soon-to-be-in laws didn’t stop harping about what a bad omen this was and how wet everything had gotten. I was completely unnerved by the time we walked down the isle and couldn’t wait for Jake to help me get past all the morbidity. That never happened. Instead, Jake actually made light of the whole situation by making fun of me. The humor that I had found so endearing and appealing before, suddenly took a dark turn when I was the butt of his jokes.
Since that night, I have been the butt of many of his jokes. I no longer find his wit amusing; it usually is biting, sarcastic and hurtful, even when he says he’s “only joking.” He pokes fun at me in front of our friends and, although everyone laughs, I can see the looks passed between them. No matter how many times I point this out to Jake, he fails to see how hurtful this has become and it becomes clearer to me that I made a really bad mistake in marrying him. I have also noticed that he uses jokes and humor like a tool meant to embarrass and inflict emotional pain under the guise of levity.
I have no one to confide in. My parents adore him, and many of our friends have chosen to avoid us so as not to become fodder for his jokes, which have become far more than intolerable. Even I can’t stand to be around him anymore and find him annoying and repulsive!
Dear Friend,
“When is a joke not a joke? When that joke is about you!” It’s amazing how humor sours when the joke’s on you and, sadly, it took you some time to see what was always there. I believe, although, I can only go by your description of him, that Jake is a by-product of a somewhat dysfunctional home, where pessimism was a steady diet on which he fed. One thought may be that in order for Jake to make friends and be “the light of the party” he adopted a sense of humor he was unfamiliar with and didn’t know how to use correctly. Another observation may be a bit darker – that Jake enjoys making fun of others as some kind of punishment that he has control over, and that he takes a degree of pleasure in the power that comes with inflicting pain disguised as humor. It also takes the spotlight off his own insecurities.
That being said, none of this justifies his hurting others and it is certainly something that needs to be dealt with.
I would encourage both you and Jake to seek individual and couples counseling to see if your marriage can be helped. Jake needs to understand the underlying causes that encourage him to be sarcastic and hurtful, and you have to learn how to live and deal with him while he’s undergoing his treatment – should you choose to save the marriage. This, by no means, is a marriage that should be discarded without giving it a fair chance. I feel that you must have seen something more in Jake than just his Lexus, fancy clothes and good looks or his humor that made you laugh when you were dating. Try to tap into that and see if there is more substance to your relationship.
My feeling is that in this day of disposable marriages, starter homes and second spouses, there are unions that deserve a second chance.
