Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I have been an agunah for many years. To say that I am managing would be a vast contradiction in terms, what I am doing is barely surviving while supporting and single-handedly raising six young children alone. Had it not been for my rav advising me to go to Bais Din before initiating secular divorce proceedings against my philandering husband, I might have come away with a reasonable settlement and child support. Instead, I fell prey to the Bais Din’s biased and male-oriented agenda. Suffice it to say that I received no monetary settlement and or support as my ex-husband claimed he had no job or source of income (when in fact his business operates only on cash so as not to have to report the income and avoid paying taxes) and owns no property (which he conveniently hid under other peoples names). To make a long and bitter story short, I signed away everything and was promised that I would receive my Get. However, to this day I have not yet received my Get – though I do have my secular divorce.
I am writing this letter to warn women who are forced to seek a Get through Bais Din in order to escape abusive, cruel or philandering husbands, to educate themselves on their rights and privileges. They should also know what Bais Din can or cannot do. It cannot enforce an agreement, as it does not have the power to imprison or coerce.
A Get should not be a bargaining tool or given only if a woman agrees to give up her rights to what has been accrued by both spouses during the marriage. A Get should never be promised in exchange for giving up your children, or those assets that were yours before you came into the marriage or what was willed to you specifically as a yerusha. Those, by right, belong to you and should not be included in the mutual divide. Don’t allow them to cut you down emotionally, with veiled threats or promises they never intend to keep. Don’t allow them to strip you of your dignity, your self-esteem or your quality of life.
For a while, I almost lost faith and blamed the Ribbono Shel Olam for the miserable state I was in and I got so caught up in my bitterness to the point where I almost forfeited my soul because of the unbearable pain in my heart and mind. In the blackest of moments I recalled seeing the number for Sholom Task Force in this paper and made the call that saved my life. These kind and wonderful people put me in touch with a caring therapist who helped me reclaim my sense of self. I began to understand that in my weakened emotional state, supported by my strong chassidishe upbringing, I had misplaced the blame for my misfortune and that the true abusers of justice was the Bais Din I chose, who dispensed injustice and not did not follow Da’as Torah. Sadly, I have spoken with many others, both men and women, who have had similar experiences with batei din.
I was comforted in the fact that I did not lose my faith in Hashem but only misplaced my faith in His representatives. I hope that sharing my experience helps spare others from the horrendous heartache, misery and degradation I suffered, and that the dayanim, roshei bais din, toanim and rabbonim do some heavy soul searching and mend their ways. I have heard and seen the incredible changes brought about through your column and hope that my contribution will help to further that endeavor. Thanks for being there for all of us.
A grateful reader
Dear Friend,
Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your dark and painful journey. The road to divorce is littered with torn and broken hearts, shattered dreams and very little gain. The experience of getting a Get can sometimes be a journey through Gehenom if one falls into the hands of a Bais Din such as the one you encountered. Unfortunately, there are still some Batei Din known to be unorthodox in their arbitration and that mediate for the male benefit. Thankfully, there are far fewer then there used to be. We have come a long way in exposing this wrong, but there is still a long way to go.
Divorce is still a “dirty word” in our circles, even though one is hard-pressed to find a family that has not been affected by it. Many rabbonim now insist that young couples sign a pre-nuptial agreement before they marry, one that protects both spouses in event that the union is not bashert. In addition, much has changed over the years and women who in the past would have stayed in abusive marriages and suffered in silence are now willing to speak up. Today, thanks to the public platform extended in this paper and with the help of organizations like Shalom Task Force, ORA and GET, many woman have found courage and a voice to speak up in their defense.
Hashem, our Heavenly Father, never meant for us to suffer and He gave us the Get so that we could extricate ourselves from situations that should not exist. If only those in whom He entrusted the laws that govern gittin were to fulfill their duties justly and with impartiality, perhaps we will hear the shofar of Moshiach in the very near future.
