Dear Dr. Yael:
I am writing to you because I am at a loss. My husband feels that I love our children more than I love him and he is jealous of the way I treat them. I have tried to explain to him that what I feel for our children is very different than the love I have for him. However, I do acknowledge that he does seem to always put my needs first. I know that he has great respect for me as a person and as a mother. I am not sure how to make him feel secure in my feelings for him. He thinks that my mother loved my siblings and me more than she loved my father.
I work very hard to make sure that children always show him respect, but he complains that I am more affectionate with the children than I am with him. I do admit that it’s easier for me to be that way.
The whole situation is made more difficult in that he feels I am not warm and open with his mother. I find his mother to be a difficult person and my nature is to stay away from people like that. I am a stay-at-home mom and have a very quiet personality.
Can you recommend some ways I can be more loving to my husband and warmer to my mother-in-law as well as to other difficult people.
Confused
Dear Confused:
The gift of giving is a very special one. When we give to someone we begin to love him or her. Why do you think we love our children more than anyone else in this world? The love we have for our children is strengthened by all we do for them on a daily basis. I am not speaking about monetary things, but of the time and energy we spend on them.
The same idea holds true for others in our lives. If you want to have a good relationship with someone, then you need to embrace the gift of giving. Think about when your child was a newborn. You gave and gave and gave to that child without a thought of what you would receive in return; in fact, you received nothing. This is not a sacrifice we would be willing to make for many, but if we can transfer even a small amount of this giving to the adults in our lives, we will be happier people.
Many individuals wonder how to best deal with a difficult mother-in-law or a difficult person in their lives. I tell clients to give to that person – buy him or her a gift, or do something special that you know he or she will enjoy. This will help you generate positive feelings towards that person and he/she will generally feel more positively towards you as well. This idea may sound silly, but it really works.
This idea can be translated to many relationships. While we may not realize it, the small things we do for our spouses on a day-to-day basis have a huge impact on our marriage. Giving and taking is fundamental to the marital relationship and if we spend our time focusing on what more we can do for our spouse, our marriage will greatly improve. Of course, we need to think about our personal needs as well, but it is important to remember that the gift of giving is like no other.
This is also a tool that can be used to mend a relationship. If your boss or co-worker does not seem to be particularly nice to you and you do not like him/her, it may be a good idea to get him/her a gift.
The root of ahava, love, is the word hav, to give. Thus, in giving we are actually building love in our relationships.
Back to your specific situation, children are easy to give to and a safer place in which to trust your affections. Many people find it difficult to be vulnerable with adults; however, your spouse seems to want your love, so give it a try. You may find that you need professional help to make it all come together, but that is fine.
I wish you much hatzlacha on your journey to a great marriage.