Dear Dating Coach,
When did guys get so cheap? The last few guys I have dated, barely paid for a cup of coffee. Forget about going out to dinner! I don’t need a five-star restaurant, or an order of champagne, but this is really scraping the barrel! I feel like I spend so much time preparing for a date, and then the whole atmosphere is a huge letdown! At the risk of sounding avaricious, (I am not!) this is ridiculous! How do I find out if a guy is super cheap before we go out?
Basic Standards
Dear Standards,
Have you ever tried to get a teenager’s attention when they are using their phones? The conversation will likely go like this:
You: Hey Buddy, can you help me for a sec?
Teen: What?
You: (see the sentence above, clenched teeth)
Teen: What?
You: (see sentence above, elevated tone)
Teen: Yeah, yeah, sure. In a sec.
You: (47 minutes later) Hello? Help?
Teen: What?
You: FOCUS!!! (Birds scatter, windows break, just kidding…maybe.)
I hear you. You are frustrated. You feel like you give a hundred percent of your time and energy into preparing for a date and you are not being treated respectfully. A cup of coffee seems too insignificant, too meager, to warrant the care that you put into your preparation. You find their “cheapness” to be offensive and rude and want a way to weed out the guys that will offer you a more elevated dating experience.
I disagree.
I don’t think a cup of coffee is cheap. I don’t think a walk in the park is cheap. I don’t think a date that costs zero dollars is cheap. I do think however that your FOCUS on the cost of Java really refers to the lack of FOCUS on you. The dates you have been going on don’t make you feel special. The dates don’t feel “planned” or creative in any way. This inturn, makes you feel unseen, insignificant, and not respected. This I absolutely agree with.
I’ve Been Thinking About You A Latte.
A date should always feel special. Like you are seen, like someone cares, and like you are a priority. This can mean a date that costs nothing. This can mean a cup of coffee. But the “frugality” is really a lack of attention, romance, and care. Every date should feel fresh and important. This can be difficult for a guy going on date number (fill in the blank) with girl number (fill in the blank). It takes energy and determination to plan and come to every new date with an absolute attention to detail and a feeling of excitement. A girl needs to feel like you are happy to be out with her, and part of that is setting a scene that makes her feel that you care. So, there is no need for a financial investigation before you date someone new. Instead, ask about their character and their middos, and you can expect to date someone who offers you their focused and valuable time.
