Dear Dating Coach,
We have long-time friends that have a son a couple of years older than our daughter. When they were little, we would joke that they would marry each other and now that they are in shidduchim, it was suggested by shadchanim and friends. Since they grew up so closely, they already knew each other from our shared family simchas and many, many Shabbos meals together. We were all very excited when they started dating, and things seemed to be going really well. We even met to discuss a potential engagement. But then their son abruptly ended their dating after they had gone out many times. He said he didn’t “feel the way he was supposed to.” Now we have a broken-hearted daughter, a fractured friendship, and we don’t know how to move forward. Any advice would be helpful.
Date Destroyed
Dear Destroyed,
We have a bougainvillea by our house that I love. To be fair, I had no idea that I loved a bougainvillea until I Googled “pink plant” when we moved in. But now, every year from October to March I enjoy watching it bloom. It’s so pretty with its pink flowers and I have come to rely on the perfect picture it makes during its season. But this week I realized we are halfway through November and the bougainvillea has not bloomed! I can still see the beautiful flowers in my bougainvillea dreams, but the tree is depressingly bare. Everyone I ask in the “flower world” (the guy who cuts our grass, Xavier) told me that I need to water it. This year, “it needs a bit of attention,” he said, “so water, water, water,” and then, fingers and toes crossed, we can watch it bloom.
Roses Are Red….
Thank you for your letter. This has really been a rollercoaster for both of your families, with the highs of the couple’s connection, and now the low of having it not work. I have to believe that both families really wanted the couple to make it to the chuppah and that any impact on your friendship is merely you both trying to protect the feelings of your respective children. This has been hard for all of you. A dream you have all nurtured for a really long time.
Violets Are Violet…
It is possible that this couple is not meant for one another. It’s possible that they will be better off going their own ways and finding different matches. It’s possible that their son knows absolutely that his feelings will never change. It is also probable however, that this is not the case. Sometimes when two families are so beautifully intertwined, the children begin to feel somewhat familial. Then changing that feeling to one of romance and attraction can be difficult. They already knew each other, and perhaps he saw her in a comfortable light for so long, that another direction can feel complicated and unnerving.
It’s Literally Right There in The Name.
If both sides are willing, introducing a wise rav or dating coach into the mix might be very helpful. The boy might need guidance on how to shift his perspective from “sibling-like” to “wife-like.” This is often not simple and may need some support. Yet, if they are both patient and are willing to communicate, they may be able to create an incredible bond that has the gift of their family connection and foundation. This can be the basis for beautiful marriage and a future laced with love and happiness. Sometimes, you just need to water a relationship for it to bloom.
