Dear Dr. Yael,
I thought your answer to the husband who complained about his wife’s chesed outside the home (“Chesed Begins At Home,” 10-24) was right on target, with two exceptions.
1. The wife is a big girl and does not need to share with the person calling her about a chesed project that she needs to consult with her husband before saying yes. All that does is make her husband the bad guy if they decide that she cannot take on this particular project. Just imagine what she is doing to her husband’s standing in the community – and her own – when she answers a request for a chesed with, “I’m sorry, but my husband says I can’t.”
2. Giving the husband a bracha of nachas from all the amazing chesed his wife does is missing an important point. It seems as if doing chesed for others is part of his routine as well and that should be acknowledged. In addition, whatever chesed she does do outside the home is clearly as a result of her husband’s facilitation. Baruch Hashem he makes enough parnassah so she doesn’t have to work. In other words, the chesed she performs is as much his as it is hers.
A Reader
Dear Reader:
Thank you for bringing both of these points to our attention. Clearly, the wife must find a way to decline certain projects without making it appear as if her husband is preventing her from taking part in them.
In addition, any project undertaken by either a husband or a wife that takes time away from their family is attributed to their decision as a couple and they both share in the schar.
Many Hatzolah parties are held to specifically honor the wives who not only make it easy for their husbands to go out on calls, but actively encourage their participation in this great mitzvah.
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Dear Dr. Yael,
A few weeks back my husband and I attended a vort where the music was so loud I could barely hear what the person who was standing right next to me was saying.
At a niece’s wedding recently, someone came over to wish my elderly mother and I mazel tov. We couldn’t hear him because the music was so loud. At another wedding we were at, people were getting headaches from the noise (I can’t call it music at that loud decibel). At another wedding, I was speaking with someone in the lobby and when the doors to the men’s section were opened, we couldn’t hear each other. I have been to weddings where it was requested that the music be made lower, but it never seems to happen.
Isn’t there anyone making a simcha who understands that loud music can cause hearing loss? Are there any bands today that understand this concept? Are they all prepared to pay damages if their music causes ill to even one of the simcha attendees?
Having Problems Hearing
Dear Problems Hearing,
I agree with you that music has become louder and louder. I actually find myself not enjoying simchas as much as I used to because the music is deafening.
When our son got married we made it very clear to the band – a one-piece band by the way with just a singer – that we do not want very loud music. I’ll be honest: It was a bit louder than I would have liked, but certainly not as bad as it is at most of the simchas I attend. People even commented to us that the music was actually enjoyable and that they appreciated it not being so loud.