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Dear Readers:

As a therapist, and a frum one at that, I work very hard to help my clients focus on the positive events taking place in their lives and in the world at large. During Operation Protective Edge this past summer in Israel, there were many opportunities to see the good, and a recent article in The Jewish Press’s Lessons in Emunah column featured some interesting war stories. While not every story can be verified, it’s important to know that Hashem watches out for us, and all the things that happen are for our good.

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In a recent letter to the editor (August 22), Rabbi Noah Gradofsky responded to reader Harold Marks’ comments in regards to “Conversational Lessons,” an article that appeared in this column in late June about jealousy in marriage.

Rabbi Gradofsky writes that he found the whole subject to be deeply disturbing, “that the suggestions lower the marital relationship to one of competition and gamesmanship, that presuming that people see their spouses as constantly under review for potential exchange fosters a lack of communication and friends and encourages husbands and wives to manage their relationships out of fear that any positive opinion of a member of the opposite sex will drive people away.” He references another letter writer, M.G., who stated that competition “has no place in marriage” and suggests that “wives who limit praise of other women due to the competitive threat those women might represent is only within the shallowest of relationships.”

I appreciate Rabbi Gradofsky’s words, especially his praise of his own wife. However, I come at this topic from a different place. As any frum therapist can tell you, the Orthodox community today is facing a higher divorce rate than ever before. While I have been zocheh to help save many marriages, it is not something we can close our eyes to. Affecting all segments of our society – Ashkenazim, Sephardim, the chassidish and litvishe world, and the Modern Orthodox – our divorce rate is significantly higher than the 5 percent it was about 15 years ago. It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced. Our rabbonim blame the Internet and myriad of technological advances in communication, but whatever the reason, it is a fact that more couples are getting divorced. It appears that Rabbi Gradovsky is in a longer-term marriage and while there are couples married over thirty years getting divorced, it is not as common.

What I would like to say to Rabbi Gradofsky is that his idealism and enthusiasm about the depth and commitment that every healthy marriage should have is wonderful, and while I agree that communication is paramount in marriage, but I do not believe that statement contradicts my previous responses. Communication in a marriage should be about each person’s feelings and what is important to them. Communication should not be about other people’s marriages or other individuals in general. Of course, couples often speak to each other about their day, their workplace, their friends etc.; however, comparing your spouse to others or highlighting a friend’s positive points to the extreme is not integral to good communication. I lecture in a number of places, and people always come up to speak with me afterward about their marriages or lack thereof. Every year, I feel the depth of pain of the community becoming more critical.

I do not think that M.G. or Harold Marks were off base at all. Many of the ideas they presented were not shallow, but realistic. Some have their basis in the teachings of the Talmud. I am not sure if people realize the level of inappropriate behavior that takes place in our own community between members of the opposite sex – even among those who are married. In his book Nine to Five, Rabbi Shmuel Neiman delineates harchakos, boundaries that people should put in places while in a work environment. Among them is referring to people of a different gender by his or her full name – Mr. Goldberg, for example, rather than Dovid. That is one way of making sure we don’t become too comfortable with someone who is not our spouse.


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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to [email protected]. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.