Dear Dating Coach,
I recently went to a Shabbos meal with a bunch of singles. I had a great time and met a girl there that I liked. She was funny, smart, and successful. She runs her own business and seems to be really self-sufficient, a quality I really admire. I met her the next day for coffee and we seemed to have lot in common. We both love to read, we like being out in nature, and we have the same sense of humor. I really want to date her and see where this could go. There is just one tiny thing about her that worries me. I grew up in a frum home and she is just beginning to tap into her roots. She grew up totally secular and is now newly interested in learning about Yiddishkeit. She says she is really spiritual though she is not sure where it will lead her but she is open to the journey. When I asked a Rebbi that I really respect, he had a lot of concerns, but I like her. I really do. Could we date and hope that she ends up with the same connection to Yiddishkeit that I have? Hoping for a yes…
Sincerely Spiritual
Dear Spiritual,
Did you ever walk through the water tunnels in Ir David? You bravely descend into the aqueduct and wade through the icy (slightly cool) water between two narrow walls. If you have ever been blessed to take a tour there, your guide will stop you somewhere through your journey to point out where two different tunnels meet. Apparently, there were two teams digging from opposite ends who miraculously met somewhere in the middle. (Obviously with the help of infrared technology, laser mapping, and specially trained tunnel dogs. I might have made up the tunnel dogs. Or all of it. Ok, all of it. They just met in the middle. Pretty impressive.) When you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel (see what I did there?!) you leave moved by the ingenuity and obvious aid from the One Above.
Sometimes The Light and The End of The Tunnel…
Let me start by saying that I hope you meet in the middle. It would be wonderful if you were both on the same page in hashkafa and could ride off into the aqueduct, er, sunset. Unfortunately, that time might not be right just yet. A healthy marriage requires two different people to coexist in harmony. This in itself is a tremendous feat. Therefore, we try to eliminate as many differences as we can before a couple meets. This may include personality differences, backgrounds, goals, and hashkafa. Dissimilarities and disparities can cause discord in a home where two people are already learning to cohabitate by simply being two separate people. Adding in huge differences in beliefs and Yiddishkeit can take a new couple really off course.
Is A Train.
It is incredible that she wants to learn about Torah and mitzvos. It shows character, strength, and a commitment to growth. This is a journey that she has just begun. She has not asked you to be her Yiddishkeit coach, her frum champion, or her Torah guide. Putting yourself in a position where you may feel upset by her choices and decisions and push her toward your hashkafa will only lead to resentment and pain in an unbalanced marriage. Think of your future – of schooling choices for children, the home you hope to create, and the foundation you intend to lay. If they are not aligned, your marriage may greatly suffer. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible, but it would certainly not be without complication and without a guarantee that you could ever meet in the middle.
