Dear Dating Coach,
I am an older single who has been dating for many years. I think people would refer to me as a “bais yaakov type,” or the passe “frum but with it.” I am open to dating almost anybody who might be a match for me. I will date men who have been divorced, and those who have children. I will not, however, date someone from a different religious background. I just feel like we come from two different worlds and I would be uncomfortable changing my minhagim and religious direction – as I would likely be expected to do since we generally follow the husband’s path. Someone recently took me to task over this, and I was pretty taken aback. Do you agree with me?
Hat Trick
Dear Hat,
I have a friend who drives the same route to work every day. She passes the same houses, navigates the same roads, and avoids the same potholes. She waves to the same crossing guard, pauses at the same red lights, and pays the same tolls. Last week, she hit a stop sign sticking out of the road. A stop sign placed there ten years ago. My friend was positive the stop sign had been placed the night before. The rust stains and wear and tear on the sign were clearly just a ploy to make drivers believe it had been there previously. Her poor car suffered the most. Dented and dejected it carried its driver to the repair shop. A few days later, driving the same route she always drives, she expertly avoided the offending sign. “Oh no, “she remarked, “I believe I do know that stop sign after all.”
One Hat
Thank you for your question. I appreciate your position and we know this has not been easy for you. It is difficult to be an older single. In our frum communities, we hope that girls will get married young. For an older single, it can be painful to watch women much younger than you push baby carriages, make bar mitzvahs, and even weddings, while you have not yet been blessed with your bashert. Even with a fulfilling career, friends, and new experiences, it can be lonely and painful. You believe you are open-minded in your approach to dating, but refuse to bend when it comes to other religious backgrounds.
Two Hat
It would likely feel strange to adjust your life to a new religious direction with someone from a different background. Dating and marrying someone Chassidish, Lubavitch, Modern Orthodox, or Sefardi would require a shift for you in the future home you would build together. You do not have an understanding of what it means to come from those backgrounds so you would have a certain learning curve. That being said, you have also not been divorced or a parent before, but are willing to open your heart to someone who has been.
Red Hat, Black Hat
Most pressing however, is the need to increase your chances of finding your bashert. As you get older, the circle of potential guys becomes smaller and smaller. While there might be eligible men from a similar background that you may not have met yet, the possibilities grow smaller every day. There is likely not a “sign” you have not seen or been suggested to at this point. You have driven this route. You know what it holds and they have not been right for you. Perhaps a willingness to expand to other backgrounds will give you the chance to take an alternate route filled with new possibilities. A new path can certainly be scary, and definitely unfamiliar. But perhaps a different direction will lead you to the destination you have been hoping for.
