Dear Dating Coach,
As I picture myself sitting in shul this Rosh Hashana, I feel a sense of loss. I really thought I would be married by now. My friends all seem to be having their second babies, and here I will sit in shul alone and incomplete. How is it that another year has gone by and I am still in the same position I was in last year? It feels like everyone around me is moving forward, and I am stuck, unwittingly, and feeling so lost and alone. I just keep picturing myself listening to shofar, while my heart cries as well. I hate feeling this way, especially before Yom Tov. Is there anything I can do to change this painful perspective?
Single and Stagnant
Dear Stagnant,
Last week I was stuck in traffic for two hours. I was in a bumper to bumper, unmoving car jam and I wasn’t even driving! I had taken an Uber expecting to quickly arrive at my destination and the highway had other plans. It was infuriating. First, I was sure that the road would clear up, but that didn’t happen. Then I thought Waze would come up with a brilliant and faster route, but that didn’t happen. Finally, I was sure that the driver would maneuver his way out of the mess we were in, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I just watched the minutes go by and nothing changed. Nothing. Just traffic. So, I decided to work and catch up on my emails. After that, I called my grandmother and caught up with her. Then, since we were still in traffic, I started planning my Yom Tov menu. This was great! All this extra time to get things done! Thank you, Uber for a very successful afternoon!
Calculating Route:
Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time. It is painful to feel like everyone is “moving ahead” without you. It is hard to accept a reality that you did not account for and it is painful to sit in shul “alone” when you had hoped to have a husband across the mechitza and a baby in a stroller at your side. There are many girls who are feeling this way now. The pressure to have created a family by now and your own wants and needs can feel like a heavy burden, especially during the Yomim Tovim.
Recalculating:
Some people view dating like they would, sitting in traffic, or a in a parking lot. They believe you need to wholly focus on dating and getting married, and once you have accomplished that, you can expand and grow. So, they go to work and come home. They date as often as they can and then they do it all over again. This girl will certainly feel stagnant and left behind. This girl has created a tiny universe with one sole goal; marriage. She neglects to consider herself as a person, her needs, her wants, and her own self-growth. Perhaps instead, take this time that you are dating to expand your world. Go to school, take a course, attend a shiur, volunteer, become closer to your family, learn to cook, learn a craft, travel, make new friends, become a better friend, hone a skill, and attend exciting events that are open to you. Make your world bigger. Better. This will not only make you a more successful person, but a more successful spouse. Then, you will sit in shul on Rosh Hashana and you may still be sad about not yet finding your bashert, but you will also be thankful for the many things that fill your life NOW with joy. Use this time not to wait, but to grow. You will be happier and this will certainly attract others to you, leading you to the person that will be a perfect addition to the beautiful life that you are already living.
