Dear Dating Coach,
I’ve always been told that I am pretty. Since I was a little girl people have commented on my looks. I have worked really hard to give them other reasons to compliment me, but some of that praise still defines who I am. I have been dating for a little over a year. I recently started dating a guy I really like. He makes me laugh, he is super smart, and he is so incredibly kind. I come home happy from every one of our dates and feel closer to him each time. His family is friendly with mine, and they are wonderful people, and his Rosh Yeshiva told my parents he is a true gem. He has so many beautiful qualities. But he is not beautiful. I mean he is tall and neat and put together. He has a great smile and takes care with his appearance, but objectively, he is not “handsome.” I am fine with how he looks, but there is a part of me that worries what people will say if we get engaged. Will they wonder why ‘pretty’ didn’t choose in kind? Please help me to let those thoughts go, because I really think he is ‘the one.’
Dating Pretty
Dear Pretty,
There is a sandwich that I like that others do not appreciate. You take two slices of bread and spread peanut butter on both sides. Then you take a banana and slice it into even slices. You place the banana pieces on the peanut butter on one slice of bread and then top it with the other slice. You cut the sandwich in half (on the diagonal if you are fancy) and then “enjoy!” It’s delicious. Unfortunately, the other humans who live in my house do not agree. There is a lot gagging, faux fainting, and nose holding when I make this tasty lunch. But I simply take out a plate and sit and eat, and after I am done, I feel full and happy. Try it, go on and make one now. Introducing the PB&B. You’re welcome.
They Go Together…
Thank you for your letter. It is so special to meet someone you like so much from the beginning. It is incredible to clearly see good qualities and agree on mutual goals right from the start. It feels magical to watch your connection grow with each date with ease and simplicity. Yet, you have been praised for your external beauty for as long as you can remember and that has left a mark on how you assess yourself and others. Yet, you see your date’s internal beauty and you are not bothered by a lack of the typical commercial good looks we are taught to value. But you worry that you will be influenced by the subtle judgment you expect from those that know you. You want to be filled with simcha, without the weight of expectation.
Like Peanut Butter and Banana
Focus on the good. Look toward the bracha that is filling your world with immense potential. Be grateful for the gift you have been given. The beautiful qualities. The beautiful kindness. The beautiful mazel. Feel satisfied with the decisions you make. Be thrilled with the future you will be able to build. Remember that goodness and mentchlichkeit matter above all else and that marriage is based on mutual respect and love. Notice his external beauty. His good stature, the care that he takes with his appearance, and the sharp way that he presents himself. Focus on his beautiful smile.
When you are blessed to stand at your engagement party and an unpleasant thought or even a comment from an insensitive guest presents itself, remember that you are full and happy. Lucky girl. Enjoy.