Dear Dr. Respler:
My parents passed away a few years after I was married and my in-laws are the only grandparents that my children have. My in-laws have five children: two daughters and three sons (including my husband). My mother-in-law is totally devoted to her daughters and their children. Her sons’ children on the other hand are treated like second-class citizens. For example, she will often baby-sit for her daughters’ children and help them in many ways, but never does the same for the others.
My husband’s sister-in-laws, Baruch Hashem, all have parents who help them so this situation doesn’t bother them as much. While we all get upset at Chanukah parties when she clearly buys very expensive gifts for her daughters’ children and cheap gifts for our children, for me its incredibly painful as my children do not have other grandparents.
The other day we were at a family bris. Both my husband’s sister and I were holding our three-month-old infants. My mother-in-law runs to my sister-in-law, grabs the baby and says, “Mamele please sit down, you yourself just had a baby!”
During the rest of the bris, she continued to hold her baby and totally ignored my baby and me. If I had my own mother to help me, it might not bother me as much, but when I married my husband I hoped to acquire his parents as my parents. The fact that my in-laws clearly don’t consider me their daughter is a shocking slap in the face.
My husband is a wonderful man and very hurt by his mother’s behavior. However, he feels that confronting her would be a lack of derech eretz. I disagree. I feel it’s the only way to put a stop to a very painful situation. Please help me!
A Despondent Daughter-in-Law
Dear Despondent:
I feel for your pain and understand how you yearn for support in raising your own children. Without meeting your mother-in-law, I can only make assumptions.
She may feel that as the hardships of child-rearing often fall more intensely on the mother, it’s her obligation to help her own flesh and blood, her daughters. This is not uncommon. Grandmothers are often closer to their daughters’ children and help their daughters more. A mother inevitably feels more comfortable with her own daughter. If a mother overly criticizes her own daughter she can just take back her words and everything will be fine. As opposed to a daughter-in-law where she may feel she has to watch her every word.
I know this is easy for me to say, but please don’t take this personally! While I am sure that your pain is intensified due to the loss of your own parents, you must realize that since it is not only you that your mother-in-law is ignoring, there is a strong possibility that she is avoiding all her daughters-in-law because she is afraid she may do or say the wrong thing.
I will tell you that I often hear mothers with sons complaining that their grandchildren favor their daughter-in-laws mother. They resent the fact that the “Bobi and Zeidi” from the mother’s side get preferential treatment. This may sometimes be due to the situation you are describing.
As to speaking with your in-laws, I believe you and your husband should do so, respectfully of course. In a soft and gentle tone, you might say, “Mommy and Tatty (or however you address them), is it possible to discuss something that is bothering us?” When they answer yes, you should respectfully ask “When would be a good time for you?” After you set up a mutually agreeable time, I think you should say something like this: “We love you very much and treasure our relationship with you. We feel badly that it appears you favor the grandchildren from your daughters. We feel terrible that you don’t baby-sit for us. This situation is compounded since my wife has no parents. Is it possible for you to try to be fairer in your treatment of the grandchildren and of us? We would really appreciate it.”