Dear Dating Coach,
I have had the same group of five friends since I was in elementary school. In the past 6 months, four of them have gotten engaged or married. I am embarrassed to write this, but I feel left behind. I am happy for them – I really am. The group has just taken a natural turn to engagement parties and weddings, and I just feel sad and left out. They are kind and sensitive to my position, but clearly, I am the odd one out now. I hate feeling this way. What do I do?
One Girl Left Behind
Dear OGLB,
Sometimes I want to bubble wrap my toddler. (No, I will not do this. Probably.) It seems like toddlers, or just my toddler, is just one step away from potential danger. Pulling a chair over to the highest cabinet to find the hidden lollipops, (yes, I agree, our hiding place is not working), jumping off of the stairs, jumping off of the couch, jumping off of the bed, or any surface not perfectly aligned with the floor, and of course the sudden need to “Picasso” with any writing implement. Our reflexes are constantly tested as we grab, catch, and prevent an impending accident. But the other day, my toddler ran right into a small table like the bases were loaded at the bottom of the ninth. BUMP! “Out!” the referee (duh, me) yelled. My toddler took a minute to regroup, and then black eye and all, raced away to look for a new adventure, or…matches.
I Have a Fear of Speed Bumps…
Thank you for your letter. We know you are happy for your friends. You have known them forever, and you love them. Yet, human beings are complex and you are able to feel both happy for your friends and sad for yourself at the same time. Both of those feelings matter. You are a loyal friend, but are also pained to feel “left behind” as they have been blessed to not only find their matches, but all at the same time. Of course, you could meet your future husband next week, but realistically you know that there is no timetable, and you can’t help but feel the road shift, leaving you waiting at the curb.
But I’m Slowly Getting Over it.
Life is full of bumps and bruises, and while we do our best to protect ourselves, sometimes a “side table” hits us when we least expect it. While, we cannot “crystal ball” your bashert or ensure your engagement in these next few months, there are some things you can do to reframe and refocus.
Practice gratitude. Take the time to notice and count the blessings in your life. Whether that is a family that loves you, good friends, a fulfilling job, or even just the perfect coffee before you leave the house in the morning. Being mindful of the good in your life will allow you to shift your focus when you feel down.
Practice self-care. Be kind to yourself with small treats, patience, and understanding. Give yourself the chance to feel the sadness and the sense of loss you are feeling now, and treat yourself with care. Spend time with people who love you, and do things that you enjoy.
Finally, give yourself permission to expand your social circle. Sure, its lovely to plan weddings showers, and to be there for your friends in their simcha. It is also ok however, to step back when you need to. You can spend time with new people, and allow yourself to make friends whose lives align with yours at this moment. While you hold on to your dear friends, don’t discount the chance to make even more.
This is a bump. It hurts. Look for the good, take care of yourself, or open your eyes to more, and you will be able to slowly regroup. Take this chance to better yourself, and you will notice a world of possibilities.
