Dear Dating Coach,
My parents and I do not agree. We are definitely not on the same page about what kind of guy I should be dating. We try to communicate but end up having the same argument over and over. They believe I should go out with one kind of guy and I really don’t agree. This has resulted in a lot of unproductive dates that have gone nowhere. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I am still new to dating and I want to date through a shadchan. I just want a different kind of guy. It’s really just nuance and small differences that present as a “type” that I cannot seem to connect with. My parents refuse to see this and believe that I am young and naïve and should listen to their better judgment. Please help! I am going crazy with frustration.
Different Dater
Dear Different,
“Did not”
“Did too”
“Did not”
“Did too”
Me: “Please stop fighting!”
SILENCE
“Did not”
“Did too”
Me: “Send help.”
Thank you for your letter. It is so frustrating to feel like no one hears you. It is painful to fight with those we love because of their love. Your parents love you and want what they believe is best for you so they argue about your choices convinced that they are helping you. They love you so they fight for/with you, depending on your perspective. This is not sustainable. Its unhealthy for your relationship with your parents and unproductive for you as a dater and for those that date you. We can assume that the people you have dated have come to meet you with enthusiasm and hope, unaware that they have already begun at a disadvantage. You go round and round with your parents and still nothing has changed. You don’t agree with them. They don’t agree with you. You are in a perpetual, “Did not, did too.”
The only way to fix this is by changing the game. Instead of two parties, we need three. It’s time to bring in a third person to help you both listen, and to come to a better resolution. This is not a simple process and can be hurtful for parents who value privacy or who attach shame to the choices they believe you are making. Show your parents this article and enlist their help in finding the right person. This third party must be someone your parents respect, someone who is wise, and someone who is discreet. This can be a Rabbi, Rebbetzin, therapist, dating coach, or otherwise trustworthy individual. Their duty will be to listen to both sides, to do their best to get both sides to listen to each other, and to facilitate change. This is vital for your future and for the possibility of you meeting the right person and sustaining a healthy marriage. Maybe they are right. Maybe you are right. Maybe you are both right. Maybe you are all wrong. Be willing to listen to a third party, and progress and growth can then be achieved. We are rooting for your happiness.
