Dear Dating Coach,
The last few guys I went out with all said ‘no’ to me after a couple of dates. I felt like the dates went ok, so I am feeling confused and frustrated. They were all a bit more modern than I am but I am fine with it. I feel like after I marry someone, we can make sure we are on the same page and for now, I appreciate their “chill vibe.” So why do I keep getting a ‘no’ after my dates? It is starting to mess with my self-esteem! It doesn’t make sense. Please help me.
Still Chill
Dear Still,
Did you ever take a toddler to a petting zoo? They get their first glimpse of those adorable bunnies and they NEED to have one. The rabbits though, are unsure of this hare-brained scheme. Immediately the toddler begins to chase little Roger around the pen while Bugs hides deep in the hay. Thumper narrowly escapes sticky little hands while Energizer darts from side to side. But the toddler is determined and quick and they reach for a bushy tail and poor Roger is lifted off the ground and squeezed until he manages to jump behind the old goat who bares its gummy smile. Even the toddler knows to walk away then, and the bunny brigade breathe a deep sigh of relief.
Thank you for reaching out. It is frustrating to go out, have a pleasant time and then hear that the other person does not want to see you again. It is even more upsetting, when this happens multiple times with multiple guys. The common denominator that you have found though, is that they are on a different path than you are religiously. It is not a glaring or huge disparity, but enough for you to take note on your dates. Still, some part of you is attracted to their choices and their “chill vibe.” You are fine with how they present and are happy to make decisions together in the future. So, you want to continue getting to know them, but they don’t seem to feel the same.
My great-grandmother was an only daughter among many sons. She was beautiful, talented, undoubtedly clever, and her family was very well-respected. She was greatly sought after in shidduchim and ultimately married my great-grandfather, an unassuming giant of a man.
With this a part of her story, she still always said about shidduchim, “Go where they want you.”
Don’t chase after people who are not interested in the type of person that you are, in the background that you have, and in the character you possess. Don’t beg for those that do not want to see your gifts, your beauty, and your strengths. Instead, choose the one who chooses you.
This does not mean take anyone who likes you. It means, in shidduchim, seek out those who will appreciate the match being offered. Look for those who will feel happy and good to be set up with you. Ask for families that understand where you come from and where you are going. Search for dates that understand your value. For you, this will be a guy who shares your hashkafa today, who has the same goals as you, and who respects your commitment to Torah and mitzvos. Choose the one who chooses you and you will stop chasing those who don’t want you to catch them.
