Dear Dating Coach,
My married friend just set me up with her new neighbor. A single guy moved into her building and after having him over for Shabbos meals and getting to know him, she set us up. I trust my friend and was excited to go out with him, so we met last week. After about an hour or so into the date, we both agreed that there was no chemistry and went our separate ways. I updated my friend right after I got home and she is mad at me! She thinks I am being shortsighted and too quick to judge. I think she is being ridiculous! There was no chemistry and I don’t want to waste my time! How do I get her to see reason?
Time Keeper
Dear Time,
I recently stumped Waze. I have no idea how this happened because Waze is all-knowing and has navigated countless of my journeys, saving me at least seven seconds of horrible traffic by taking me through exciting up-and-coming (terrifying) neighborhoods. Waze is reliable and never gets upset when she needs to recalibrate once or twice (or thrice). But the other day, Waze just couldn’t bring herself to say, “You have reached your destination,” and I knew I was lost forever. (dramatic music!) Except, then the person I was meeting pinpointed their Google location and BOOM! (more music!) I found them easily. That little pinpoint is amazing. Someone please figure out how to do that for shidduchim. Thank you in advance.
Thank you for your letter. Your friend went out of her way to vet a good guy and felt like you two would hit if off. After meeting him though, you both agreed that there was no “chemistry” and were happy to move on. No harm, no foul. So, you were pretty surprised that your friend was so upset at your unwillingness to try harder. Doesn’t she know that you “Don’t want to waste your time!” I actually hear this line a lot. Why waste time? Move on to the next… Right?
Once I Told a Chemistry Joke…
Sure, there might be some who go on first dates with adorably witty banter as upbeat music plays in the background, and a laugh track set up in the gentle breeze. That couple finishes each other’s sentences in their subtly coordinated outfits as the restaurant closes down for the night with only the two of them left unaware at a table, right before Paramount casts them as the lead in their next romcom, and they run laughing into the rain toward their second date.
Or, option B; most people go on first dates that go mostly smoothly with some first-time-meeting discomfort and use their hard-earned social skills to get to know one another. Sometimes, they battle awkward silences, awkward sentences, and all-round awkwardness that can be par for the course in dating.
There Was No Reaction.
If they are lucky and nothing egregious or ‘red-flaggy’ happens on that first date, they go out again hoping to ease into ‘slight unease’ on their way to ‘dating comfortably.’ This is reality. This is what lovely, smart, interesting, clever, and socially adept people do on their first dates. This is what successful daters do on first dates, This, is what people who walk down the aisle did on their first dates. Please, please, self-reflect and be honest with yourself. Has your own ego and arrogance come to sabotage your dating by offering you this convenient “I don’t want to waste time,” line? You are not the CEO of Google, or the President, or a Hostage Negotiator in the middle of a hostage negotiation! YOU HAVE TIME. What better use of it can there be than a second date? A full first date! You have the time to push for a connection, for common ground; for a relationship. YOU HAVE TIME. Until Google invents shidduch pinpointing, use your time wisely.
