Dear Dr. Yael:
I am a man writing to you about my wife. We have a young family and although she does not work for any particular chesed organization, she is always doing for others. The other day, she cooked dinner for a woman who just had a baby. I came home and she asked me to bring the dinner over to the other family. When I got back we sat down to eat leftovers. My wife is an amazing cook, and I was jealous that this other husband was getting a great dinner while I had to eat leftovers. My wife apologized and said that she did not estimate properly and had thought there were fewer people in the family. Then she found out there were many children, some who were older who also needed to eat, so there went our dinner. I understood why she had to give our dinner away and I agreed with her, but it was still somewhat frustrating to me when I had to eat leftovers instead of the delicious dinner my wife prepared!
My wife has a heart of gold. She is a very good person who does not know how to say “no.” Baruch Hashem I make a good parnassah and people know that my wife is a real “guute neshama.” We live in a relatively new community and most people do not have family nearby, so we all like to support each other. There are many chesed projects and since my wife does not work, people are always calling her for favors. We have many young children and although we have outside help, my wife tries to be a hands-on mother.
How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family? I am also involved with the community, but I know that my first priority is my wife and my own children. I grew up in a home where my parents, who are wonderful people, were often so involved in helping others that we children were forgotten. My wife did not grow up in such a home. Her family was more quiet, but very loving to their children. Interestingly, I always thought my wife would be more like her mother and less like mine.
My wife, however, is totally in awe of my mother, often telling me she is her role model. I love my mother, but I sometimes wish she had spent more time with us when we were younger. I know she tried to keep her priorities straight, but as she was pulled in many directions, I felt I was not always first in line.
I know my wife works hard to impress my mother, who adores her. But I want my wife to change her priorities and stop modeling herself after my mother. In my heart, I know I have unresolved anger feelings towards my mother for her not being there for us all the time.
Please help me with this challenging situation. My wife loves your column, and even if she realizes I wrote this question, she will take your answer seriously.
Thank you.
A Frustrated Husband
Dear Frustrated Husband,
You are absolutely correct: “chesed begins at home.” This does not mean that your wife should stop doing all of the amazing things she does; rather, she should try to prioritize and say “no” if something will interfere with your family’s needs. While the example you gave was obviously just an error in planning, it seems like that example personified how you feel. It sounds like sometimes you feel you are the leftovers instead of the priority. Of course, you do not want to make your wife feel bad for doing chesed: however, it may be a good idea to express your feelings with an “I statement.” For example, “You have a heart of gold and I am so proud to be your husband. I know you do not mean it or may not even realize it, but I feel bad when other people come before me and the children. Is it possible for you to try to say “no” when you are asked to do something that may affect your ability to be there for me and the children?”