Dear Dating Coach,
I know this is going to make me sound bad but it is making me crazy. I am engaged to the most amazing, beautiful, and brilliant girl. She is graduating nursing school at the top of her class, she is funny, she is an incredible sibling and daughter, and makes me feel so happy when I am with her. I think she is so pretty and I really feel lucky that she wants to marry me. But here it goes. I hate her clothes. Really, hate them. They are all a variation of this same loose dress, the colors are terrible, and they all look cheap. (I told you this would make me sound bad!) I know I am supposed to be a frum guy and not notice these things, but I do! (Anyone with eyes would notice!) This really bothers me and I have absolutely no idea how to address it. (My mother says we will take her shopping after we get married, but this sounds like we will be “managing” her and feels disrespectful.) Please help me!
Single Style
Dear Style,
My kids love looking at old pictures of me. They appreciate the nostalgia of it all and the memories they allow me to share. They turn the pages of my carefully curated albums and cherish the stories attached to every snapshot. Nope. That is not true at all. They just like to point and laugh at my clothes in every photo so I can question my life and fabric choices. Overalls. So many overalls. I sincerely hope that jean overall dresses had a major fashion moment in my teens or I have some explaining to do. And construction boots are for construction workers only. This should be law. My fashion choices then certainly made a statement, but not one I want to repeat. At all. Overall.
I Could Give Up Shopping…
I hear you. I don’t think you sound bad. It is clear that you are able to appreciate the wonderful qualities that your kallah has and that you feel truly blessed that she will be your wife. Moreover, if a kallah was writing with this question about her chosson, I believe that there would be little to no pushback. A “girl” is allowed to notice clothing, but a “guy” is not? Perhaps, there is something to be said for a guy too obsessed with fashion, but I believe here you are simply opposed to her clothing and nothing more. I appreciate your unwillingness to “manage” her or to hurt her feelings and that still you are unable to just accept the clothing she has chosen so far.
But I’m Not a Quitter.
Anything that is removable is generally not of concern. Good middos or bad middos are inherent and difficult to change. Integrity, modesty, and hashkafa are all part and parcel of who we are. But clothing, shoes, a hairstyle, food choices…those are all external and have little impact on the creation of a successful marriage. Furthermore, our removable choices are ever evolving and changing with the times, with the current fashions, and with the community we live in. This is a learnable talent if she is interested, and arguably a “fun” skill to master. Your relationship and your love for one another will easily allow you to grow in this area and in more impactful decisions and choices. As long as you are respectful and she is open to this small change, this is something you can work on together. When you focus on her positive qualities and your deep appreciation for everything that she is to you, her fashion choices and your happiness will align beautifully.
