M.G.
Dear M.G.:
Thank you for your helpful letter. I agree that we should never invite competition into our marriages.
Here are some of my examples regarding what not to do in your marriage or your friends’ marriages:
1) Never speak negatively about your friend’s husband. Never say, “He really does not deserve you.” Even if your friend confides in you in regards to one of her husband’s shortcomings, do not remind her of about it later. Instead, find a way to speak positively about him. Say something like, “Your husband is such a nice person.” Don’t overdo it, but be genuinely positive about your friend’s husband.
2) Practice hachnassas orchim – even by inviting a very attractive single or divorced friend for a Shabbos or Yom Tov seudah. But do not make her a bas bayis. While socializing with friends is always a kind gesture, maintain boundaries. That is the prudent and safe thing to do.
3) Do not double date, as it can place you in a number of inappropriate situations. Married couples that spend many hours together on vacations or at Shabbos meals create unhealthy situations that can lead to boundary issues. Stick to going out only with your husband. While an occasional Shabbos or Yom Tov meal with another couple is fine, focus on spending alone time with your spouse.
Unfortunately, the divorce rate in the frum community has risen sharply in the past decade or so – increasing by some estimates to as high as 20-25 percent. These numbers are frightening, as are many cases I witness in my therapy practice.
I wish you hatzlachah in all of your endeavors. May Hashem grant you gefen: gezunt, parnassah and nachas!