Dear Dating Coach,
I have not had a date in six months. Nothing. Not an evening date, a coffee date, or even a Zoom date. We have been calling shadchanim, and I have been going to community events that are geared toward a single crowd. No one has ever approached me and the phone in our house never rings with a suggestion from new people that I meet. I am frustrated and dejected and generally feeling down. What am I missing? Please help!
Radio Silence
Dear Silence,
Australians eat a (horrible, bad smelling, terrible tasting) spread that they adore, called Vegemite. It’s made from yeast and feels like a salt bomb of deliciousness (it will make you vomit) in your mouth. Australians spread it on toast and eat it with placid expressions while they completely disregard how inedible it truly is. Trust me on this. Never ever taste it. Most interesting however, is their reaction when you comment on the horror that is Vegemite. They are honestly and completely baffled that it could be anything but pleasing to the palate. They do not understand our distaste and continue to eat Vegemite without care or concern. They are so used to its ghastly flavor, that they are not able to see how much better anything else (literally, anything else) could be.
Thank you for reaching out. It must be so frustrating to be doing your best in shidduchim only to receive almost nothing in return. You have reached out to reputable shadchanim, and you feel like you take the time to market yourself but the response has been tepid at best. You are not sure where to go from here and feel worried that this will continue. You hope that there is perhaps a new avenue you have not yet explored that could yield stronger results.
It takes great courage to open yourself up to a new path, and for that I commend you. I have three new tasks that I would encourage you to explore.
The Net:
Take a moment to catalogue the net you have cast in shidduchim. Have you only reached out to people in your community, your state, or your exact upbringing? Consider widening the net to include a broader scale of possibilities. People from other states, other countries, and other backgrounds. Take the time to write down your core needs in a spouse and by doing so you may see that you can easily cast your net to places you have been unwillingly or unaware of before. Be careful not to pigeonhole yourself in shidduchim merely because it has been comfortable or convenient.
The Energy:
It can be difficult to focus on introspection during shidduchim as we are forced to spotlight anything that does not showcase us in the best light. Think of the energy that you project when you are around others. Is it positive and enthusiastic? Open and forthcoming? Maybe your energy is more closed off, perhaps you are shy or merely wary? The energy that you bring into any space you fill will either attract people to you or repel them. While, it can be challenging to face these thoughts, it is vital that you ask someone you trust to give you an unbiased opinion. Listen to what they say about how others might feel when they meet you so that you can offer the world your absolute best self.
The Appearance:
Yes, the world is too focused on how we look. Yes, someone ideally should marry you mostly for who you are on the inside. Realistically, however, your appearance is the first step for someone to get to know you. So instead of battling this expectation, take a moment to make sure that you are putting your best foot forward. You can do this with a trusted stylish friend, a personal shopper, or any objective person in your life. Make sure you look the best that you can. You will feel good and this will naturally boost your positive energy and improve your dating options.
Sometimes, we are stuck in the status quo. We are mired in our own inability to step out of our comfort zones and so we remain stagnant. Kudos to you for your willingness to learn and grow. It will certainly propel you toward a brighter future.
