Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating a great guy and everything is going pretty smoothly. I came home last night from our fifth date and called my married sister to discuss how it went. Halfway through the conversation, she said, “You know that this means that you are halfway to an engagement!” She reminded me that she got engaged after 10 dates and she hoped I would as well! When I heard that I totally freaked out. I am not ready to get engaged at all. I like him and I am enjoying getting to know him but I am not ready to marry him! Now I am super stressed about date number six! I have no idea how to do this. I want to keep dating him, but a deadline I didn’t even know about is not working for me! What do I do?
Runaway Train
Dear Train,
I just ordered a t-shirt online. It said “one size fits all.” I was super excited. It just seemed so easy. No worrying about the length or width, or any measurement at all. Simply order and this one size will fit all who purchase it. Sounded good to me! But the t-shirt arrived and it was actually a dress. Not a stylish or well-fitting dress, but definitely and absolutely a dress, and not a t-shirt. Definitely false advertising! If, however, a tall man tried on the “t-shirt” it would be more like a crop top (not a good look) and also not a good fit. If a small child wore it, it would be a flowing gown. So perhaps, I mused, “one size fits all” is a total myth and now I want my money back.
One Size Fits All…
Take a deep breath. You are doing so well. Dating someone you like, and feeling positive about your dates is huge. Everything was going nicely until your sister’s blanket statement about timelines and expectations through you off course. Now this is all you can think of; an invisible ticking clock, as the sand pours from one end of the vial to the other. Your well-meaning sister has given you a protocol for dating where dates one to five allow you to explore your connection, date six determines if this is “serious” and dates seven through nine are just for ironing out the last details of your future together. Finally date ten allows for an engagement in the early evening hours (obviously), so there is still enough time to spread the happy news and to announce a date for the vort. Of course you freaked out! A contract for dating! Sure, this works for some daters, but human beings are not robots that can be programmed to feel and express and connect according the clock. Every dater moves at a different pace and feelings develop in their own time.
Great For Socks, Bad for Beliefs
Yes, daters that only have a superficial connection by date number ten probably need some guidance, and daters who want to look at apartments after two dates, need some counseling as well. Every date must offer growth. The pace and direction of that growth will vary for every individual based on who they are as a person, their character, and their background. As long as both daters can measure progress through their dates, they are going in the right direction. But to set an end date based on family pressure and a biased experience, is unnecessary and frankly, harmful. So, relax and enjoy the dating progress. Allow yourself to feel, to connect, and to build a relationship with this special person. When you feel happy, safe, and assured of their character and your connection, you will know that you are ready to get engaged. The date number doesn’t matter, but your confidence in your future does.
