Dear Dating Coach,
I dread going home for Yom Tov. I love my family and my nieces and nephews. I enjoy seeing old friends and eating home-cooked meals. Its amazing to spend time with my parents. But I really hate the dating advice and “ideas” everyone seems to have for me. They offer “helpful” tips on everything from my dating preferences to my wardrobe choices to the tefillos I should be saying! I know they are well-meaning, but I can’t stand it. My family bombards me all Yom Tov with their “thoughts” and it seems like every member of our shul has a helpful tip or critique for me as well. I just want to be home for Yom Tov! How do I tell everyone that I never asked for their dating advice without sounding mean?!
Guidance-Free
Dear Guidance,
Florida has now faced Helene and Milton in just a short span of time. (No, they are not an elderly couple!) These Hurricanes leave rain and wind and devastating loss and damage in their wake. The meteorologists do their best to forecast a hurricane’s path but a small shift can leave an unprepared city in shambles. They offer us spaghetti model after spaghetti model (No, it isn’t someone who eats spaghetti for magazines. Although, that does sounds like an awesome job.) to predict where the storm might go. These little wiggly lines crisscross the map showcasing all the places the hurricane might hit should the ocean water become warmer or colder or if the winds shift to the left or to the right. At first, we trace the models carefully, trusting their unruly and unwieldy paths. Our eyes cross as we recalculate and recalibrate the storm’s direction with bated breath. Yet, sometime around spaghetti model #72, we lose interest in all things pasta, and simply do what we know. Buy water, fill our cars with gas, stock up on flashlights, and make sure we have non-perishable foods. These are basic rules, and still, they are the most valuable to remember. Then, we hunker down, keep our eye on the storm, and daven.
Unsolicited Advice is The Junk Mail of Life
We all hear you! This is not an easy predicament. You are happy to go home but then feel attacked by the unsolicited dating advice from your family and community. They love you and want you to be happy so they feel like they are doing the right thing. They only want you to meet the right person for you. Perhaps if you expanded your dating circle, narrowed your dating circle, wore brighter colors, toned down the colors you wear, went to more Shabbos meals, ate alone more, attended singles events, shunned singles events, called this shadchan, blocked that shadchan, stopped eating gluten or bentched Gomel, you would meet your bashert. They are trying to help! You are losing your mind.
The solution is to stop going home. Just kidding. That would be a terrible solution. Instead, go home and have a sentence of appreciation at the ready. Something like, “You are kind to think of me,” or, “I will give that some thought,” that quickly and politely nips their ongoing advice in the bud. We cannot prevent them from speaking or sharing, but an ‘at the ready response’ will prevent the conversation from going further. Then simply smile and walk away or change the subject. “How about this weather?!” Knowing that they come from a place of kindness and helpfulness should also offer some measure of comfort.
Then, focus on what you know to be absolutely true. Call shadchanim; both professional and amateur. Make sure you are healthy both physically and emotionally. Expand your circle naturally and with intention so that people can meet you and you can meet people. Dress yourself for success. Make good impressions. And of course, daven. This basic and yet absolutely fundamental advice is the perfect starting point toward meeting your Mr. Right without the need for any spaghetti models.
