Dear Dating Coach,
I am new to dating and I am nervous about looking like I have no idea what I am doing on dates. (I have no idea what I am doing!) I have been in yeshiva for the past few years and we didn’t exactly have “dating 101.” Any tips would be appreciated.
Fresh from the Freezer
Dear Fresh,
Thank you for your letter. It’s funny how dating in frum circles works. We are told all through high school to separate completely from the opposite gender (no argument here, I agree) but then we are thrown into the deep end of dating without any lessons. So, of course you feel out of your depth and unprepared. Dating can feel overwhelming and scary. Even more so, when you are unsure of how to behave and act.
There are simple ideas that can helpful when you meet and date someone new.
Eye Contact
I know some of you are rolling your eyes (no pun intended) at the simplicity of this. But there are too many daters who forget that this is a basic social norm. Eye contact shows the person you are with that you are engaged and focused on them. It also means that you are not distracted by the other people in the room, that you are not bored, and that you are interested.
Ask Questions
A date is not a job interview. It is however, important that you get to know each other. Think of questions that are both light and deeper to get to know your date as organically as possible while still focused on the goal: to see if you are compatible. Do not fire questions at your date. Do not go through a checklist that you have created in your head. Do not make them feel like they are being interrogated. Let each question flow into a discussion and allow the conversation to develop naturally. The questions are the foundation to creating connection. Listen to their responses and share your thoughts and opinions.
Prepare
Sometimes a date can feel awkward. Two strangers are meeting and hoping to connect. Preparation is key to a seamless date. Before you go out think of interesting things you might share should there be a lull in conversation or simply to hear your date’s viewpoint. It can feel strange to go into a date with conversation starters or prepared stories to share, but this will ensure a more seamless date. Knowing that you are prepared can offer you the confidence you need before going out. You know you have what to say, and so you can relax.
Use these tips and your dates should go smoothly. Remember to date with enthusiasm and excitement and your date will feel happy to be spending time with you. Get ready to jump in. You’ve got this.
