Dear Dr. Respler:
I am an abused man. No, my wife does not beat or hit me, but she is emotionally abusive. She is always insulting and putting me down. She is a very angry person and very critical. Unfortunately, in her eyes I can do nothing right. Even worse is that she does all of this in front of our children and they, our oldest is 11, are beginning to show me the same disrespect.
My wife comes from a very affluent home. I make a decent living, but it is never enough for her – and whatever I can’t supply, her parents provide. They are constantly buying her things for the house – things that I believe are unnecessary. I have spoken to my in-laws about this, but it seems that they are afraid of her and try to quell her rage by giving into her every whim. My wife is an only child and used to having everything her way.
I do not want to get divorced; we have five beautiful children and with her parents’ money and connections, I am sure they will make sure that I have no access to my children. My children adore me and would be devastated without me. They are also afraid of their mother.
Our community has come a long way in understanding the cycle of abuse, but the focus seems to be on female victims. Are there any options for me? As I said, I do not want to leave my children.
An Abused Husband
Dear A.H.:
Your situation sounds extremely difficult. Without having more details, it’s hard to know exactly what is going on with your wife. Is she depressed and turning her feelings outward, thereby belittling you? Is she suffering from another type of mood disorder? Perhaps she is just a negative person and has difficulty seeing the positive in you. Whatever the case may be, it seems like the most prominent symptoms your wife displays are anger and negativity. As it seems your wife is angry with everyone, the situation is complicated. Professional help is a must for your whole family – and something you must do even if your wife refuses to go.
In the meantime:
1. Are you passive in your response to her or do you yell back?
2. Do you ever try to ignore her when she gets into one of her rages, and take the children out of the room?
Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person. This may anger her more, but after a while she will begin to feel ridiculous fighting with herself.
There is a wonderful book I suggest you read: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner. It is a “Woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships”; however, it has some great ideas that would be helpful to you as well. In a chapter called “Old Moves, New Moves and Countermoves,” the author discusses the way women fight in ways that simply defeat themselves and protect the status quo of the relationship. This chapter talks about assertiveness training techniques that would be helpful in dealing with your wife.
I agree with you that the focus is generally on “abused women.” Statistically, men more often physically abuse women. However, you are not alone. I see many abused husbands in my practice, men who stay in abusive marriages for the sake of their children. Many are able to make positive changes in their relationships through marital and individual therapy.