Dear Dr. Yael,
As this is not the first time I am reading about grandparents and their Yom Tov experiences with their children and grandchildren (11-25), I was most interested to see how you would answer the writer. I thought your answer was tactful, delicate and full of common sense. You were able to point out that the children did not intend to “dump” their families and relax, and I commend you. Your insight and caring shows in all of your articles.
I, too, am a grandmother, and although my children do try to reign in their own children’s natural exuberance and are very helpful to me in the kitchen and house, it is only natural for squabbling, messes, etc. to occur. (My father lived with us the last three years of his life, so I also know about the “sandwich” aspect, which wasn’t actually addressed in the letter.) After our last get-together, when I was putting the pieces of the house back in order, I stopped to reflect that I would rather spend time straightening and cleaning up than be in the position of other older women I know, some of whom do not have children, and some who are not even married yet! Perhaps if this lady would consider that, she would be able to count her blessings, along with putting all of your suggestions into practice.
Please keep up your columns. I know your readers appreciate you!
Best wishes,
A Reader
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your letter and your kind words. You are correct that we all should count our blessings and feel fortunate that these are the “stresses” that we experience. Many people cry to me over Yom Tov that they wish they had these pressures instead of being alone. That is why it is important to be sensitive to people in these situations and to not complain to them about your family-related stresses. As you said, no matter how hard it is to host family, it sure beats not having this “hardship.”
Of course, the original letter was written mostly in jest in order to bring home a point. It’s helpful to bring up these issues as many times both parties do not see the other person’s perspective. Most children are giving and loving, but are stressed by their own lives. Many women are holding down jobs while taking care of their households and this can be very taxing. Many men are learning and/or working full time, while trying to be helpful at home. This can also be demanding and tiring. Most couples look forward to coming home, so that their parents can “take care of them.” It is useful, though, for them to read about how their parents feel. This can help them be more aware of the little things they can do to make Yom Tov more enjoyable and less overwhelming.
On the other hand, it is also valuable for parents to understand their children’s perspective. Most are not trying to dump on their parents, they just want to feel “taken care of” again. They look forward to being with their parents and, although it is not easy to pack up a whole family and share rooms to be together with family, they do so gladly. With some healthy boundaries, parents can spoil their kids (if they want to), while not feeling taken advantage of. Of course, if you do not want to take the brunt of the work, you need to make that clear from the beginning in a loving and positive tone. Saying something like, “We wish we could spoil you, serve you, and take care of the children while you relax, but we are getting older and this is getting hard for us. We would love to have you for Yom Tov, but we will need you help with…” Perhaps your children would prefer that you come to them or will be happy to comply with your requests as long as they are spelled out in the beginning. Communication is key!
In general, it is a good idea to focus on the positives, it makes us happier and less anxious. After all, we all have different struggles and no one gets away “scot-free.” Of course, it is normal to feel overwhelmed by day-to-day things and especially by hardships. During those times, it is helpful to make checklists and be organized, even if this is not your nature. This will help you keep on top of whatever it is you need to do. Remember, try to ask for help when needed so that you do not feel resentful of your family.
For more stressful situations, the more you can focus on the good in your life and use a lot of positive self-talk (i.e., “I can do this,” “I am amazing for doing what I do with my daily struggles,” “I am worthwhile and contribute a lot to my family and society”), the better you will feel and the more able you will be to deal with these struggles. Try to seek professional help from someone who can help you overcome the overwhelming feelings if these suggestions are not helping.
Hatzlocha!