Dear Dr. Yael,
I appreciated the great column you featured on the sandwich generation after Sukkos. I know that Chanukah is an easier Yom Tov since no one moves in and we can celebrate with our families and friends, however, it has become a competition for my children.
Our children have Chanukah vacation and, according to them, everyone is doing amazing things. Some families are even taking their children to fancy islands and extending vacations so that the kids miss class. Others take their kids on cruises, ski weekends, and more.
We can’t afford all of these amazing vacations and, besides, we love having family parties and doing local things with our children. However, our kids are jealous and I am not sure how to make them understand.
I do wonder if things would be less expensive if schools gave off less time for Chanukah.
A Reader
Dear Dr. Yael,
I am very dismayed to see the way Chanukah and other chaggim have become commercialized. It seems as if all we are doing is copying the ways of other nations. We have to have the grand parties, and the fancy gifts. The question is: Do we do enough chesed at this time of year? Do we sympathize with the less fortunate? I would like to ask this readership to take the time to consider what I have written here.
Kol Tov
G.S
Dear Readers:
It is a shame that Chanukah today seems to be more about parties, trips, and gifts than celebrating the spirit of the Yom Tov during which we overcame the Greek influences on the physical and re-energized our spirituality.
My own memories of Chanukah are of visiting with family and playing dreidel. Clearly, our generation was expected to behave, do well in school, and be happy with whatever our parents were able to give and do for us.
One present was a treat years ago, but now kids “need to get” one present a night! Going to a family party was amazing, but now family parties need to feature tons of presents. Once upon a time, going on a local family trip was an incredible experience, but now families “have” to take extravagant vacations. We need to scale it down! Try to spend quality time with your children and make the local trips fun, maybe by inviting some of their friends along. Buy your children some board games for Chanukah and make sure to play with them! You will be amazed how much your children will enjoy the quality time with you!
I agree that we need to focus more on chesed and less on materialism. Our children will also benefit so much more from our attention than they do from the things we give them.
Much research has been done on parenting and spending quality time with your children – talking, playing, reading, doing homework, and exercising with your children has been shown to be an integral feature of successful parenting. Furthermore, children are less likely to develop emotional and behavioral disorders when they receive adequate parenting (often manifested by spending quality time with your children).
There are a lot of activities that will promote happy and healthy children and they do not have to be expensive or difficult. The main goal is to give your children your full attention and make sure that you have their full attention. Even doing homework with your children can be a positive experience if you give them your full attention (i.e., put away your phone), give them a lot of specific and accurate praise for small accomplishments (“Wow, you read that word beautifully!” “That was a great, but let’s try it one more time!”), and make sure to compliment them afterward (call your mother, grandmother, or mother-in-law in front of your child and tell them how amazing your child is and how great he/she knew what was learned that day). Not only will this make your child want to do homework more often with you (we can always pray for an easy homework night!), but you will be building your child’s self-esteem and spending quality time with him/her.
If Chanukah gifts in your family have gotten out of hand, it’s important to talk to your siblings and perhaps set some limits on the spending for all the nieces, nephews, and their children.
Thank you for your beautiful letters and in the zechus of making an effort to do more chesed out of the home and with our own children, and may we all be zoche to only good things! Hatzlocha!