Dear Dr. Yael,
I enjoy your columns every week very much. Your input and refreshing approach to problems are to the point and always very helpful.
I would like to add some of my thoughts to the subject of toxic relationships, if I may.
I am living with such a person for many years now, and I thought I could share how I have coped, as it might be helpful to your readers.
I am well over sixty years old and I can review the choices I made years ago from a different perspective. I am grateful to Hashem for giving me the ability to make the right choices.
In your column you detail ten ways of recognizing a toxic spouse. I can tell you with certainty that my spouse meets nine of those criteria. The 10th one, how the toxic person makes one feel, does not pertain to me. And that is the most important point I want to make.
How you feel is up to you. Nobody can take that away from you. Your reactions to your feelings are yours, in any situation.
I never considered divorce as a solution. I watched divorced women and found that their lives were far worse than mine taking the full picture into consideration. Divorce brings a new set of problems, which often is worse.
By divorcing, you hurt your children and your parents – even your in-laws.
And when it comes to your spouse, consider this: If he behaves badly now, you cannot imagine how he will be when he is angry for a good reason (you want out of the marriage) and he doesn’t feel he has to put on a show for anyone anymore.
Here are some suggestions:
First, if you are a woman like me, you have to make sure that you fulfill your marital obligations. I know it is very hard, but besides being an obligation in the Jewish religion, you have to make sure that nobody can blame you for not fulfilling them. Believe me, it is better for you in the long run.
Second, try to give compliments and look at the better side of your spouse.
Third, the house should not be neglected and delicious food should be on the table always.
For me, running my house, raising the children, having guests for Shabbos and Yom Tov, were very important.
I created my own space. I started to do things I loved without involving my husband or asking for his opinion. My husband is very stingy with money and it only got worse over the years. I opened my own bank account, after discussing it with him, and began taking on jobs I enjoyed doing.
He always accused me of wasting his money, but when he couldn’t control my money, it made things difficult for him. Over the years I have taken on more of the household expenses, but that’s okay. I do it with a smile and a sense of accomplishment. I remember how I felt that first time I bought an outfit with my own money – it felt good and it didn’t matter that he had nothing positive to say.
I have an extensive group of friends whom I enjoy going out with. I do wish that things had been different, that my husband and I could have done things together, that we could have planned vacations, etc. But it didn’t happen and I know that it won’t. That doesn’t mean I can’t live.
On the other hand, we have a great family (I couldn’t have done it without him). The children are married, continue the derech we instilled in them, and we see real nachas.
Dr. Respler, I have seen many professionals over the years, but always left when they said it was time for my husband to come in. He does not believe that he has a problem and would have just blamed everything on me.
So, I cope by remembering that I own my feelings and reactions. I cope by davening to Hashem to give me strength and comfort. I have a lot of emunah. I have friends whose shoulders I can lean on, whom I go on vacation with, whom I have lunch with. I have other friends who share some of my hobbies and interests and have a busy social calendar. There is no one person who can be all things to another human being.
Lately, I started to look at my situation in a different way. I learned from Yosef HaTzaddik and David HaMelech who understood that when a person insulted them it was something that came from Hashem. When things happen, I strengthen myself in another mitzvah. It leaves me feeling good about myself that I have tried to be a better person.
Men and women, don’t cry about your situation. You have more strengths and abilities than you can imagine. Empower yourself with positive thoughts. And believe that you can do it.
For obvious reasons, I will not sign my name, but you know me. I am your next door neighbor who always smiles when you see me. Many times I heard you say, “What a nice husband you have.”
With love and compassion,
Your next door neighbor
Dear Next Door Neighbor,
Thank you for your amazing letter and your ideas for others. You are obviously a very strong woman. I cannot generalize your response as a solution for others, but you are correct that divorce is not always an easier solution than staying in a difficult marriage. I hope that your letter helps others cope with difficult situations. Hatzlocha, and may Hashem grant you continued nachas!