Dear Dr. Yael,
I am an avid reader of The Jewish Press and Olam Yehudi. My wife and I read both your column and Ann Novick’s every Friday night.
I am a “person with the serious illness.” I have relapsing remitting Multiple Sclerosis. I was diagnosed at age 35 and have had it for 15 years now. Baruch Hashem, I have been blessed that my type of M.S. totally responds to medication. That means I function completely normally and no one knows about my condition.
My wife is a great mother and wife. Baruch Hashem, I make a good living and she does not have to work. We are very social people and always have guests, so we do have full-time help.
There is one thing that bothers me. She often sees herself as the caregiver in our relationship – even though very little has changed since my diagnosis. I go to shul, to work, to learn and help out with the kids. I have one limitation: I need to have nine hours of sleep (that’s besides regular exercise and healthy food) and I have to be careful not to overexert myself as it could cause me to have a relapse.
The only thing I stopped doing was getting up for our youngest child at night. He was a baby when I was diagnosed and I could not do the night feedings. With all the other children, I did, and yet, my wife always brings this up.
As I said, I read Ann Novick’s column and based on what I have read, my wife is by no means a caretaker. Yes, she has to do carpool when the kids have to be picked up late from various functions, and it was something I did before the diagnosis, but otherwise things are the same.
I know my wife is a bit insecure, but, Dr. Respler, I also know that she has it easier than most. Why can’t she see that? Why can’t she see me as a person “who looks inside my personal gold box and appreciates all the kisses that Hashem has given us.” Why does she harp on my illness? Where is her empathy and understanding for me?
Please help me help her see the kisses in her own gold box instead of harping on my Multiple Sclerosis.
A Frustrated Husband
Dear Frustrated Husband,
I too love Ann Novick’s column and found her sensitivity in dealing with the subject of empathy to be right on target.
One of the things you say in your letter is that your wife is a bit insecure. I think this is the core issue you are dealing with.
Your wife has a blessed life and you think she is amazing. Have you told her that you think so? In our society, it often happens that women who don’t work feel unfulfilled. We live in an upside down world where women are told that they need to do it all. Today it is almost expected that both parents will work, even if their financial situation doesn’t require it, which I think we can all admit is rare. When you go to parks today you see housekeepers sitting together watching children. Where are the mothers? Working, shopping or doing other things. I worry about the children of this generation. Will they get lost while their parents are busy working, learning and doing everything to try to provide for them financially?
Your wife is lucky that she has been able to take care of the home and your children. Unfortunately, the terms “housewife” and “full-time mother” are not words that garner respect today.
I think perhaps your wife’s need to focus on your disease is due to her own insecurity in not working. You must try to build her self-esteem and appreciate everything that she is doing to make your home run smoothly. Full-time help does not help without a wife and mother who runs the home and creates structure and generates warmth.
It’s also possible that your wife is subconsciously afraid of losing you. Baruch Hashem, it sounds as if you are doing well, health-wise, but I’m assuming there was a time when you didn’t know what would be. Since you completely take care of the household financially and you sound like a caring husband, your wife was likely terrified when you were diagnosed.
Try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about how you feel. Tell her how special you think she is and how much you love her, and then explain that you feel bad when she talks about your illness. Maybe she thinks she is being supportive when she does it.
I wish you hatzlocha in dealing with your challenging disease and hope that you always see the kisses in your personal gold box that Hashem gave you. Try building your wife’s self-esteem by complimenting her more and involving her in the exciting parts of your life. If you feel you need professional help to enable your wife to feel more confident and appreciate the brochas that Hashem gave her, please seek it.