Dear Dr. Respler,
Our daughter is a wonderful six-year-old who is very bright and has great middos. She is very confident and secure in our love for her. She is adopted and it is something that we have always been open with her about.
Last week in school, a classmate of hers felt the need to share with the class that my daughter is adopted. Then she said, “You must wonder who your real parents are and why they gave you up for adoption… this must make you feel terrible.” My daughter came home crying and was so upset. I reminded my daughter of how much we love her and how much she means to us.
What makes this situation even more upsetting is that this classmate literally lives in our home. She often eats dinner in our home and does homework here almost every night. She is one of ten children and seems to be emotionally and financially neglected. Before Pesach, I asked my daughter if she would be okay with our taking this girl along when we went shopping. I even bought them matching outfits. My daughter was ecstatic and said they would now be twins. This girl wore that outfit every single day of Yom Tov. I do not think her mother bought her any new clothes.
I know that the parents are having a hard time coping, especially the mother. And I know this girl is jealous of my daughter.
I am not sure, Dr. Respler, how to deal with the pain she caused my child. Even though my daughter says she still wants to be friends with her, she is very hurt and humiliated.
I hope you can help us.
An Angry Mother
Dear Angry Mother:
I am going to answer your question in two parts. Let us first address how to handle the pain and humiliation your daughter is experiencing. It seems as if you and your husband are doing an excellent job at parenting, as you describe her as a great student with good middos and derech eretz. I want to share with you a story that will give you chizuk.
Steve Jobs, founder and chairman of Apple, who revolutionized the computer and phone industry, never knew his biological parents.
One day, as a seven year old, he was sitting on the lawn of his house, chatting about his adoption with a girl who lived across the street. “So does that mean your real parents didn’t want you?” the girl asked.
“Lightning bolts went off in my head,” related Jobs. “I remember running into the house, crying.” Jobs wanted to know if it was true that his biological parents cast him away.
Jobs related: “And my parents said, ‘No, you have to understand.’ They were very serious and looked me straight in the eye. They said, ‘We specifically picked you out.’ Both of my parents said that and repeated it slowly for me. And they put an emphasis on every word in that sentence.”
Their response changed his life. He could have viewed his life in two ways – as the child abandoned by his parents, or the child chosen by another mom and dad. The way he would see his life would determine the caliber of his life. Thank goodness, his parents said the right thing – and Steve Jobs changed the world.
And the same holds true in your case as well.
I think you must tell your daughter very calmly that you specifically picked her out and that Hashem, who is the Master of the Universe, picked you to be her parents.
In terms of the girl and her family, I would recommend that you get involved on a community level and try to get this mother more help. There are many high schools with gemach programs and there could be girls in your area who will volunteer to assist the family with homework and stuff.
Please speak to a rav about getting this family some help. And, if you can find it in your heart to forgive this child, please speak to her about how she hurt your daughter, saying that you understand that sometimes we say things without realizing that other people will be hurt by them. You will be teaching your daughter a lesson in forgiveness and opening a door to save this other child.
Hatzlocha!